I’ll help you both feel seen, heard, and felt.
Wanting to save your relationship can be a scary, vulnerable place to be in. It’s hard to let someone else see the pain that you’re in. It’s scary to trust a therapist enough to let them see the “ugly” parts of your relationship. It can feel like a huge risk to admit something’s not working – like you might lose the most important person in your life if you admit the problems are real.
- If one or both of you can’t stop feeling judged or criticized
- If arguing and constant anger are draining you
- If you’re sweeping problems under the rug, but the silence is painful
Being brave enough to talk to a therapist could help.
I’ll help you both feel seen, heard, and felt. That’s how change and healing starts. “Am I going to have to talk about our sex life?” Only if you want to. I know it can be awkward to begin to discuss those tender, vulnerable, highly personal feelings. I have seen couples who stumble around when initially talking about their sex life quickly become comfortable. This occurs as they find the sexual vocabulary to express themselves. The more frequently they express themselves the more empowered they become to really take on their sexual experience. Talking about your sexual desires creates the intimacy that turns a “meh” relationship into a vibrantly passionate one.
I’ve seen couples turn their relationships around after showing up and putting in the work.
Research has shown that the strongest predictor of change is the relationship between you and your therapist, not the type of therapy or theoretical approach. Our ability to work together effectively is the most important element.
A couple can find themselves having difficulty with sex, intimacy, or their emotional relationship at any point in time. Problems can occur due to relationship issues, past sexual abuse, aging, health challenges, role changes, or psychological problems such as anxiety or depression. Being too distant or even too close can create a lack of sexual energy and relational tension between a couple. In Sex Therapy one of the core challenges is to develop tolerance around expressing the differences between a couple, while increasing closeness.
Negative patterns of interaction create resentment, avoidance and finally disinterest. Working on communication with me will strengthen the connection between you and your partner as you feel heard and understood by each other. Being understood by one another supports your ability to negotiate your relational needs together without blaming or shaming. Honest communication creates trust for a couple as they show up in an authentic way. Authenticity is the foundation of intimacy.
A difference in desire, is an area that often trips up a couple’s love life. When one partner shows little interest in sex or refuses sexual contact, hurt feelings occur and people handle that in differing ways. Anger, distance, disinterest, or an affair can occur as one partner tries to express their upset over the situation.
Sometimes people don’t show up for their own pleasure when having sex, but out of duty to the other. That lack of vitality and passion affects a couple’s sexual experience and limits the intimacy between partners. In therapy we will work on problem solving and conflict resolution skills which will develop closeness and grow each partner’s ability to be sexual for both themselves and their partner.
Differences in sexual style can also be a challenge that a couple might face. We can explore what is sexually exciting for you both. With my support, you will learn to explore and identify what is erotic to you both individually and learn to negotiate and take risks with each other.
Our Attachment Pattern
The level of comfort each partner experiences while asking for their emotional and sexual needs to be met from the other is called one’s “attachment pattern”. It colors the entire relationship between two people. How we approached getting our needs met in childhood by our caretakers is often the exact way we approach getting our needs met by our intimate partner today. Getting to the bottom of how you feel seen, heard and attended to by your partner as well as how you offer this in return, is where I will work with you both so that you can sustain emotional and physical intimacy even out of the therapy room.
Developmental changes as we age dictate how we have sex must change through our lifespan. How we had sex at 21 is very different than how we have sex at 65.
Sometimes it’s a health crisis where our ability to be sexual changes. Learning to accept the changes and remain open to pleasure despite things being different will allow you to adapt new approaches within your sexual repertoire. Pleasure will be yours for the asking.
Nothing is more painful and traumatic then an affair! It leaves your relationship in crisis and confusion. On top of working through the hurt it’s common to feel shame in making the decision to stay and work on the relationship. It’s normal to have a multitude of feelings – helplessness, fear, vulnerability, sadness and anger all mixed into one! Nothing makes sense. Together we need first to work on the crisis of hopelessness you find yourself in. Making meaning of how and why the affair occurred is accomplished by removing obstacles to direct and honest communication with your partner. Finally, working on a new vision of your relationship allows you to recreate and transform it into something better than it was before! It should be noted that more marriages than not do recover from affairs. I consider affair recovery one of my specialties.