The use of couples’ therapy seems to be down since COVID 19 arrived. This has been very surprising to me as I was predicting an upswing in couples needing support due to the sense that confinement would typically create cranky people. Helping to cement my prediction included the reports of China’s increase of couples filing for divorce after their strict shelter in place was lifted. I thought certainly there was going to be a mad rush to my office door! When I didn’t get an increase in cases I began to check with other couples’ therapists to see what was happening in their practices and they too reported a downward trend in people wanting couples’ therapy. As I sat with this phenomenon, trying to make sense out of it, I realized NONE of my current couples therapy clients were complaining about the confinement. Why was no one stressed out? Why were couples able to live cooperatively with all of the fear, stress, and confinement?
What? Huh? This did not compute!
Initially, I chalked up the contentment and calm vibe of my clients to the fact that we as a nation are in a state of shock. Certainly this must be a delayed reaction to the horrors around us? I waited for the other shoe to drop… nothing. Then I told myself it must be the collective trauma that we are all undergoing and sooner or later people are going to wake-up and be miserable. Still, no negative reports by the couples I treat. Then I decided it must be the grief of things lost- like the freedom to do what we enjoy, the loss of work and its ability to give us purpose, and fear it would never be returned. Still no negative reports. THIS is an interesting phenomenon I thought.
I decided to to pay close attention.
I reviewed the facts in my head. Since the very beginning, my couples reported that they were “fine”, were hunkering down at home and cooking and were “making the best of it by spending more time together”. Some said, “I’ve always wanted to spend more time with ______but he was always working.” Another client said, “It’s felt really good to be doing more with my wife and kids - I was never at home during the day to really be a part of family life and doing fun things with my kids.” Several couples reported playing games nightly, watching a show together, or doing arts and crafts with the kids’ midday, and sharing more meals together. Having no sports practices to attend for their kids and not having to travel for work suddenly created more pockets of time and allowed my client’s lives to slow down. I kept waiting for this novel- new- normal to start becoming annoying or upsetting for my clients. In fact, I’m still waiting. Thus far it hasn’t. Week after week most of the couples I have been treating are reporting more harmony, more shared activity, more mindful enjoyment of the simple things like a good meal or game of Backgammon, more discussion, more acceptance and lo and behold – fewer fights with quicker resolution. Partners taking more accountability for their behavior is actually what seems to be the new norm.
The pandemic actually seems to have stabilized these relationships and removed most of the complaints they entered treatment with. But why?
Thinking more critically about this I have realized that this experience is reported by mostly couples who have been in therapy with me for a while and thus probably have more awareness of their individual and collective issues. They do have the tools necessary to navigate their relationship, and of course there has been a baseline of change which they created together in therapy. That gave them a running start, BUT - their relationships have now been taken up a notch connection wise which can’t be attributed to their participation in therapy because this sure wasn’t there the last time I saw them face to face!
What I now believe is happening is that their connection has been strengthened due to a lack of interference from outside forces. These couples have hunkered down in protection from the virus but in effect have created protection for their relationship making it the priority it had never been before.
Ironically, people’s priorities shifted unintentionally in deference to protecting their health. What seemed so important to daily life was no longer vital due to the risk of illness or death should they catch COVID 19 by doing the things that could expose them to the disease - being around others and engaging in activities like staying late at work, going shopping, hitting the gym, being involved in community groups, and participating in their child’s sporting events were all activities that had THE priority when they were sleep walking through life - “doing the things”. COVID 19 has accidentally reprioritized relationship, family, health, and home. It’s been a re-set of sorts where they have had a forced reintroduction to life’s most precious commodity – their health - because to die means to lose your connection to others you love.
This new mindfulness may have been a process imposed upon us but I believe it has given us a gift – the resetting of priorities.
What I’ve learned from the couples I work with is that when there is the space to focus on your connection with your partner and share time with them undistracted, it seems that many relationship problems dissolve and relationships strengthen.
What this means is that people are experiencing being able to actually COUNT ON their partner’s presence. Please know that I am not saying that just by hanging out with your person all your problems will go away – there are still some things that require more in-depth conversations, negotiations, giving, tears, fighting, and deep listening. There are some problems that will require the assistance of a therapist because a couple might not have had their tool bag packed in childhood. But what I am saying friends, is that with fewer interferences and less distractions (the daily kind -like going to the gym, hanging out with friends, going shopping, hitting the bar, etc.) suddenly there is the time to not only pay attention to your partner but actually engage and RESPOND to them. When that occurs with some regularity you might even value your connection with your partner more and then you are in the sweet spot of love.
Life is going to resume at some point, (and I hope soon!) where we end up going back to the work place, out with friends, shopping at the mall, and back to playing sports. These are beautiful things and I can’t wait until they resume, however; I think it would be a total waste of this experience to not take in this moment and see what the results of the earth’s re-set is giving to your current state of being. I hope that my clients don’t lose the learning from this horrible pandemic. I hope we all just don’t fall back into what was.
I think that all great relationships boil down to one quality - responsiveness. I wonder what would happen to my business if people started making their responsiveness to their partner a priority? (You might find me working at Home Depot… )Then, I think about the remaining distractions that continue to challenge us despite quarantine. Things like the cell phone, (the biggest challenge to connection with those we live with), Netflix, (preventing conversations all weekend long) and work (the one that is easily justifiable, can be validating and can trick us into feeling like we are doing the “right thing” by providing for our family). What would happen to your intimate relationships if you sorted out how all the ways you aren’t responsive to your partner? What would happen if you examined the ways that you distract yourself to cope with stressors of life? What would happen if you sat with the way you use distractions to hide from your feelings?
The beauty of mindfulness is that if we notice what we do, we can change our dance steps.
Being mindful means that stuff is going to come up. When stuff comes up it means that conflict will arise. I’d like to clarify that being responsive doesn’t meant that you won’t disagree. Fighting is healthy and maybe even essential to establishing our differing needs as individuals. We are all different and often need to speak up for our differing needs, loudly sometimes, because often differences mean scary things to people and so they avoid them like the plague. Fighting allows us to clarify what is important so that both get their needs met. Having the needed conflictual conversations we tend to avoid, might actually allow us to drop the distractions we end up using to calm ourselves or gag ourselves and more freely create the changes we need to feel content and connected in our relationships. This would create vitality and aliveness in our relationships.
How do we get there?
The first step in change is to actually notice. I’d like you to take a moment to notice the state of your relationship today. I want you to notice what feels good, bad, even ugly. Then I’d like to invite you to sit with a few questions I’ve created to allow you to assess what is actually happening in your relationship that is creating distraction and interference. Your ability to be present to your partner and them to you is what creates the energy in a great relationship. I hope you sit in a quiet space and ponder what’s true for you, to eventually share your thoughts with your partner. This will allow you both to deepen your understanding of each other’s deepest needs-the ones that we rarely give voice to.
1. What benefits has this unprecedented opportunity to quarantine given you?
2. Identify the distractions that usually keep you/your partner from being present to one another.
3. What if any changes do you notice about the way you feel connected to your partner since COVID19?
4. What actions have you taken which have invited your partner closer?
5. Which actions has your partner taken that have invited you closer?
6. What distractions moving forward need to be either removed or minimized to create a deeper and easier focus on your relationship?
7. What supports might you need to ensure that you and your partner can continue to be present to each other?
8. What relationship practices have you added to your relationship maintenance that weren’t present before?
9. What does your relationship need most right now? (Does your relationship need more: fun, closeness, conversation, space, intensity, physicality, people, energy?)
10. What are you willing to do today to create more of that?
11. Do you need the assistance of a couples’ therapist who can be a guide and support to shoring up your relationship?
I hope this article helps you get better in touch with the state of your relationship and helps you create more mindfulness related to your connection. If you believe that your connection with your partner needs a tune-up, it would be my honor to offer you a therapeutic experience to help you each attune to each other’s needs more effectively. Please give me a call at (215) 272-1161 and let’s talk about how you are doing and what it is that you need. My specialties include sex therapy, couples therapy, therapy for men, and out of control sexual behavior treatment. Stay well friends!