One of my specialties is helping couples who are experiencing the avoidance of sex in their relationship. Sometimes it’s one person’s avoidance at other times it’s both people’s. It’s particularly challenging when both are doing everything possible to steer clear of discussions, touch, or even fights about sex. It’s the ultimate proverbial elephant in the room. I want to say these partners have valid reasons for avoiding sex but these reasons never get talked about. People will avoid the conversation that they don’t feel confident about. Feeling disentitled is re- named AWKWARDNESS by all my clients..
The feeling of awkwardness is part of every single client I treat. EVERY SINGLE CASE. So for those of you who are struggling, I want you to know that I see you. I hear you. It’s real. It’s one, powerful feeling that no one wants to experience. You are in good company as many people have organized around never feeling this.
I’ve got good news and bad news about this problem.
Let’s start with the bad news first to get it out of the way. Awkwardness is controlling your relationship both emotionally and physically. So, just what is awkwardness? It is embarrassment, self consciousness or just plan discomfort with doing something fearing that someone will judge you or that you will judge yourself. The source of it is the felt sense that you aren’t sure if you are entitled to something or aren’t sure that the person you are speaking with will find it valuable. People tend to put awkwardness on a pedestal and treat it like a china doll. It’s like it’s precious and they don’t want to disrupt it. They walk around it protecting it and not at all interacting with it fearing something bad will happen. They avoid it at all costs!
But guess what? There’s an even bigger problem here because under the awkwardness is often SHAME. People can have shame relating to their emotional relationship as well as their sexual relationship.
Sexual shame in specific comes from many places -namely society, our family, media images of what is “sexy”, our religion, the way we feel about our bodies, what we enjoy or fantasize about sex, and many, many more reasons. This effects the way we see ourselves as being truly a being entitled to sex. This is such a sticky place to be because often we are unaware of our shame. We are just aware of feeling awkward. Meanwhile, as we don’t talk about sex when we are having problems with it, it becomes even more of a disaster, because when not discussed, our partner makes the avoidance of sex about them not being enough. Often times they blame themselves for not being good looking enough, sexy enough, not having big enough body parts, or having body parts that are too big. Thinking they aren’t lovable or desirable ends up silencing them as well. Now we have two people anxious, alone, and uncomfortable. All these stored feelings create that elephant in the room. This becomes a huge miscommunication and leaves people questioning their partner’s love, closeness to them and their own entitlement to pleasure.
Conversations like, “Hey I’ve noticed we haven’t had sex in 6 months and I am wondering if we can talk about it.”. Or, “ I miss you and miss sharing closeness with you”, or, “I’d like for us to figure out what is happening between us so we can fix it.” These conversation starters sound so reasonable, don't they? Yet very few people treat it as such and instead keep it bottled up, tell themselves stories about why their partner doesn’t like them/desire them/ enjoy them/why their body is defective/why they aren’t sexy enough/maybe their partner is going to leave/maybe their partner is having an affair/etc, etc, etc. Before long they find themselves holding their breath and waiting for the proverbial shoe to drop. Let’s talk about the good news now. We need it!
The good news is that this is completely fixable if I work with two people who are interested in exploring the problem(s) and taking the risk of putting words to their experience.
This means that we have to take on the experience of feeling AWKWARD or ASHAMED. We have to decide that we are going to interact with it differently and instead of protecting it, or avoiding it, we might instead feel it and do the needed thing of talking through it anyway, because we are worth it. What I know for sure to be true, (thank you Oprah for that line), is that awkwardness and shame, despite the absolute discomfort, is a temporary feeling. Knowing that, can give you the courage to feel the temporary discomfort of it so as to be better able to settle yourself emotionally to have the conversations that your relationship requires.
“Jan, you mean that to get rid of awkwardness/shame I have to speak up?”
Yup, that’s just what I mean.
Having this kind of conversation is needed because it creates another feeling - vulnerability. Vulnerability means you are going to take the risk of sharing your feelings and getting your needs met because you’re willing to be authentic and remove the barriers of closeness. As you might imagine, this is the building block of intimacy (also known as emotional closeness), as well as the magic ingredient for blow -your -socks -off- great sex.
I am going to go out on a limb here by saying that if you start working on ridding yourself of awkwardness and/or shame, develop more vulnerability in your relationship, which means telling your partner who you are, what you are feeling and what you need, the quality of your sex and your relationship will go up exponentially. It ties to the idea that most people’s greatest need within the human experience, is to be both seen and heard. When those needs are met you’ve created a relationship on fire. That then creates the base to talk about more delicate and vulnerable topics like exploring how you both want to feel with your partner during sex, what you want to experience sexually, and how you want to get there.
I have been doing therapy for many years and not only have I witnessed awkwardness/shame disappear due to talking about it, but I have also witnessed it evaporate doing couples therapy, family therapy, and just plain old individual therapy. Awkwardness (and often shame) is part of the beginning of every therapy experience, no matter the topic. The first awkwardness to dismantle is between the client and myself. I’ve seen it dissipate in 2-3 sessions which equates to 3 sessions at 50 minutes=150 minutes. Can you imagine that? You can change your relationship, at least relating to awkwardness, which is controlling the show, in a few sessions.
So if you need help, guidance and support in taking down awkwardness or/and shame from the pedestal in your relationship, I can help. It’s my speciality. If you live in PA or MD, Feel free to contact me and set up a no cost 20 minute consultation where we can discuss your need to show up differently in your relationship.