Whew! It’s hard to believe that we have just ended phase 1 of this pandemic crisis we’re in. It’s interesting to note how all of us handled it. Getting our supplies together in order to shelter in place kept most of us frantic and focused on buying too many groceries. For some folk, it’s been all about using this down-time “wisely.” Many people bought supplies for home improvements and yard work and I’ve neighbors taking on projects in earnest. Despite this some people still are questioning if it’s real. Our sense of humor has been shaped by the chaos - things like toilet paper, hand sanitizer and Lysol wipes have been highly valued commodities and who would have guessed we would be lightening our mood by joking and making memes about these products? I think we have needed these things to laugh at and complain about to minimize the images in our minds of people on ventilators, and others being left to die due to the lack of medical equipment. I personally think that busyness has served many people soothed by the feeling of productivity. We have had to find ways to distance ourselves from just how scary this all has been.
It appears now that we are entering the 2nd phase of the pandemic crisis- sheltering in place while managing our anxiety, depression, and grief. All of us are now being touched personally by this virus- some more intensely than others. Most of us have lost freedom, the ability to engage in relationships and activities that bring us joy, and some of us are anxious from not being able to work and others are trying to figure out how to keep their businesses afloat. These are the lucky ones thus far. Others have the heartbreaking misfortune of losing loved ones and of course many people are becoming ill and fighting for their lives as you read this. The news keeps us glued to the screens. Checking the numbers in our state of the infected and seeing if our local hospitals yet have masks and protective gear is a daily practice. I think most of us know this is going to be a fight for life. Not just health-wise but also mental health-wise. Even the least demanding changes - having to stay home, trying to work and care for children at the same time is so frantic we still can’t feel the enormity of this. For singles, trying to figure out how to sustain yourselves alone means learning how to reach out to others with phone calls and video chats so you don’t lose your mind. These real-life situations require you to dig deep and find new ways to solve problems as well as motivate yourself. Learning how to slow down, take care of each other and appreciate what we have is going to be the new normal. Figuring out how to find joy in the midst of tragedy appears to be the next challenge.
Some may assume those who are coupled are the lucky ones. They are theoretically blessed with built-in help, financial means, and emotional support. This is not a fail-safe guarantee for the new normal, however. This resource will not come without a mindful practice of waking up to how we interact with those we love. These are complex times we live in and our relationships are now going to be equally complex. The task will involve learning how to live with each other with kindness, compassion, and attunement while in crisis, without becoming reactive to one another because there is so much anxiety and so little space.
Meeting the crisis head-on with support and resources
I like to think that the silver lining in this awfully dark cloud we live under right now will mean more kindness, care taking, connection, and appreciation for what we do have. We may awaken to hold precious what is most important - our relationships with others. Most of all I want to believe that it’s going to improve our ability to LOVE and be LOVED. It’s my prayer that we all help each other at this time and that we truly understand and respect the meaning of the statement that we all are connected. This virus has connected us and we can learn from this and potentially learn how to live and love better.
As a couples therapist that specializes in sex, intimacy, and relationships I thought I could possibly help you by putting together some resources to support you relationally through this pandemic. I am hoping that the ideas will enable you to negotiate your relationship with your significant other in more effective ways which creates more vulnerability, compassion, and openness. If approaching your other in this way it potentially can leave you feeling closer, more known and cherished.
Below please find ways to tune up your relationship given the current need to shelter in place with all of the inconveniences. Also please check out the links at the bottom of the page for additional resources on the topics I wrote about.
10 ways to offer first aid to your intimate relationship:
Make time for attunement – “Attunement describes how reactive a person is to another’s emotional needs and moods. A person who is well attuned will respond with appropriate language and behaviors based on another person’s state. They are good at recognizing moods and emotions in another person and adapting their own response in accordance.” says AlleyDog.com. This is the number one relationship skill we all need for a connected relationship with those we interact with. It involves noticing your partner’s mood, body language, what they are saying and more importantly perhaps, what they are not saying in order to stay in sync with them. When we aren’t in sync that is when relational problems crop up. To do this we need to focus on their body because as it’s said, “the body never lies.” Listen to their tone of voice - does it sound clipped? Sharp? Weak? Flat? These are cues that things aren’t ok with your loved one. Look at their face. Do they struggle to smile? Are they paying attention or do they look as if in a daze? Are their brows furrowed? Does their face look blank? You get the picture. These changes in body language are of course signs that your significant other is struggling. Attunement involves checking in with each other and finding out how the other is REALLY doing inside. Once a negative feeling is identified, asking your partner if they are ok and asking if there's anything you can do for them can be calming and centering for them. It creates security to know that someone is not only paying attention to you but also has your back. Most importantly it signals that you aren’t alone.
Learning to tolerate negative feelings from your other, during this time is so important to maintain your connection with them. At times people get triggered by their partner’s struggles to maintain a positive attitude. This happens because it is scary to see your partner start to crumble. It means that your source of security is in jeopardy.
Please know that by offering support to each other you will create some stability in these uncertain times. There is no “normal” way to respond to a crisis. We each have our own coping skills we have developed as we have grown up. Acceptance is what all people need as they move through each trial. Because talking about your feelings reduces the intensity of the emotion, it’s key to surviving this crisis intact. Being interested in your partner’s individualized experience is the highest calling we have when in a relationship with others.
Make boundaries with each other as you notice yourself getting annoyed. This means simply that you have the absolute right to express to your loved one when they are getting on your nerves or hurting your feelings. A simple boundary looks like, “ I feel ________ when you do __________, what I need from you is ___________.” Ironically the hardest part of being in a relationship is sharing our feelings. We tend to feel exposed and vulnerable yet this is the quickest way for two people to really connect to one another. Using an “I statement” (I get angry when you don’t invite me on a walk with you.) and then asking for your needs to be met (I’d really like you to invite me on your daily walk as it’s a time to connect.) enables clear communication related to what happened, how it affected you, and what you need
Make sure that each of you is getting private time away from everyone -This could mean taking time to take a walk outside, going in the bedroom to read a book, listening to music with headphones on, or just relaxing in silence. Even going to sit in the car by yourself or sit on a chair in the yard is a resource. When you are barraged by others via conversations, (especially anxious ones) or meeting others’ needs, you lose your sense of self. You need self now more than ever before!
Check your thoughts- Interpreting your partner’s off putting behavior with a negative spin about what it means about the way they feel about you is what humans do. Unfortunately, that story that we tell ourself is actually just a way to avoid direct communication in disguise. You avoid it for many reasons - worrying you are too intrusive, fearing you will hear something you don’t want to hear, or actually feeling so hurt with the story you’ve told yourself that you avoid opening up to them out of a desire to protect yourself. Instead of this, try just asking them what their behavior meant. I’ve found that the truth is usually much more benign than the story you have made up in your head. Often times the person was mindlessly just stepping on your toes, not out of any deep seated negative feeling about you but more because they were oblivious.
To rid yourself of negative thoughts try checking out inspirational TED Talks, podcasts, or reading books that help you see things differently and think about things other than the fear, worry and frustration of this crisis and helps you see your partner in a better light.
Learn to relax when everything is challenging - Giving Mindfulness Meditation (now found on phone apps!) a crack would be something to consider. There are many phone apps that offer wonderful meditations, meditative music, and adult sleep stories for those who can’t sleep. I can point you to and app called Inscape that even helps people with relationships and with sex! Meditation allows you to learn how to access self - which is not the anxious part of you that worries, snaps out at your partner or feels helpless, but instead the “wise mind” part of you, will give you a source of strength already built into your brain as a human being.
Get back into your body and out of your worried mind- Moving your body will allow you to discharge tension being held in your body and help create endorphins (The hormones that are in the brain that function as the body’s natural painkillers and mood elevators.) This can be done in a variety of ways - taking walks in nature whether it’s in your backyard, at a park, or around the neighborhood. Feeling sunshine on your face, breathing in the fresh air, and seeing new sites does a world of good when you are cooped up. Grab your partner and the kids if you have them, and do a power walk together. If you prefer to exercise alone do that. Moving your body will improve your mood! It’s one of the best ways to fight depression and anxiety.
Cook delicious and nutritious things together- Most of us have stocked up on groceries for the coming 2 weeks and now have the time to make meals a celebratory event. Working together to create something magnificent will not only give you an opportunity to be creative together and it will also give you both something to look forward to. By cooking something beautiful you will wake up your senses and find pleasure as you eat delicious things. It’s the little things that are now really important.
Make time for fun and date each other while stuck at home – Remember the earlier times when you made each other feel special? Where your partner’s needs were so important that you organized around thoughtful gestures to please them? Part of those romantic days usually included going out and doing novel activities where all your attention was focused on THEM. Research shows that doing novel and exciting activities with your someone special creates more connections between a couple. Pull out some of the games in your closet and up the ante by playing for quarters. Have a picnic on the floor. Play Master Chef and see who does it best. Ask each other questions and learn more about each other – you don’t know everything even if you have been together for 25 years!
Get creative, art is not just for kids – After the kids go to bed pull out some of their art supplies and have an adult creativity hour. Playing with clay, watercolor paints or even glitter are activities most of us haven’t done in years. Being able to make something creative together allows you to relax and access part of your inner world which don’t need words to function. Sitting quietly using your mind’s eye or laughing at each other’s attempts to make a modern abstract canvas can offer you a place to relax and unwind and get into self. I just saw a company that is selling adult paint by number sets for art you actually wouldn’t mind hanging in your home. (The link is posted below.)
Have hotlovinmonkeysex – Make time to connect sexually with your partner. Go to bed a little earlier, take a shower, smell nice, maybe even light a candle. No matter what goes on in the world you have each other. Create a sexual oasis where you can experience sexual pleasure and stress reduction. Try a new sexual position, order some awesome high-end lube,(see the link at the bottom for ideas on just the right lube for your sexual needs) role play, or experiment with touch. Sex is adult play and it’s the glue that keeps relationships connected and vibrant. Get in touch with what’s most important – your connection with each other.
I hope this list of first aid interventions supports your relationship during this trying time. Please know that I send this with love and care and hope that we will all get through this together by helping each other in all of the ways we each can offer.
If you find that you need more support than this please know it would be my honor to support you. I am just a call away and offer telehealth (telephone or video sessions on a HIPAA compliant video platform) currently in the state of Pennsylvania. I specialize in helping couples with relational and/or sexual issues, therapy for men, and out of control sexual behavior. You can find me at www.jancareytherapy.com
More ideas and resources to add to the topics mentioned above:
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/creating-attunement-in-re_b_1577987
https://www.talkspace.com/blog/guide-setting-healthy-boundaries-relationships/
https://www.bustle.com/p/9-signs-you-should-give-your-partner-space-how-to-effectively-do-it-5518740
https://www.ted.com/playlists/202/talks_that_just_might_save_you
https://www.mindful.org/take-a-mindful-hike/
https://www.self.com/story/move-your-body-while-stuck-at-home
www.delish.com › cooking › recipe-ideas › copycat-recipes
https://www.sixsistersstuff.com/32-stay-at-home-date-ideas-plus-links/
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/the-10-most-intimate-podcasts-about-love-and-sex_b_9310214
https://www.gottman.com/blog/5-simple-ways-to-make-sex-more-romantic/
https://badvibesdotorg.files.wordpress.com/2015/12/lube-guide-every-body-edition.pd
For more resources on how to entertain the kids please check out my professional FaceBook page www.facebook.com/JanCareylcsw. I’ve listed gobs of free resources that you turn the kids on to for something novel that will keep their attention for 30 minutes. (That’s normal for a kid, too.)