Picking up the phone and dialing a couple therapist’s number is a big moment in a relationship.
It’s the acknowledgment that things can’t continue as they have been—that something has to change. It’s a boundary, both for yourself and for your relationship, that says: We deserve better than this.
But what happens when one partner is ready for therapy, and the other refuses to go?
If that’s where you’re at—if you’re feeling stuck, frustrated, or hopeless because your partner won’t go to therapy—you’re not alone. As a couples counselor in Ellicott City, MD, I see this all the time.
The 7 Year Itch Is Real. And, Most Couples Wait Too Long for Help
There’s a reason you might be feeling this now. Statistically, many couples hit a crisis around year seven of their relationship. You’ve probably heard of “the 7-year itch”—well, it’s real.
According to The Gottman Institute, many couples wait an average of six years before seeking help for relationship issues—often making repair more difficult. Seeking therapy sooner can lead to better outcomes."
What is the 7 year itch?
Here’s what’s happening: by this time, young children (if you have them) are gaining some independence. The endless cycle of caretaking is finally slowing down, and suddenly, you’re waking up to the state of your relationship.
Many people look around and think, Is this it?
The truth is, most divorces happen around year eight.
And that’s often because couples wait until they’re in deep distress before seeking help.
In my experience, relationships in crisis tend to fall into one of three patterns:
Emotional Distance & Hopelessness – You feel alone in your relationship, disconnected, and like you’re just coexisting.
Conflict & Contempt – You bicker constantly, can’t come to agreements, and feel resentful toward each other. Research shows that contempt is one of the biggest predictors of divorce.
Infidelity & Betrayal – This can show up in either of the first two patterns, but at its core, it’s about seeking connection outside the relationship.
All of these situations are painful, scary, and exhausting. But here’s the thing: they are also totally optional.
You don’t have to stay stuck. But waiting too long to get help makes repair much harder.
So Why Won’t My Partner Go to Therapy?
If couples therapy near me could help, why do some people resist it so much?
Most partners who refuse therapy will give practical excuses like:
"We can’t afford it."
"I don’t have time for this."
"We don’t need a stranger telling us what to do."
It feels vulnerable to talk about intimacy struggles (read more about sexual anxiety here)
But beneath those excuses? Fear.
Many people are afraid that:
The therapist will take sides and blame them.
Therapy will mean losing control in the relationship.
It will force them to confront painful issues they’d rather avoid.
If therapy doesn’t work, that might mean the relationship is truly over.
For some, their first response to fear is denial. If they pretend there isn’t a problem, they don’t have to face the possibility of loss or change.
Meanwhile, you’re left sitting with the pain of a relationship that feels stuck, broken, or unsustainable. And that’s a tough place to be.
Research from the American Psychological Association highlights that couples therapy can improve communication, strengthen emotional bonds, and reduce conflict—especially when both partners are engaged in the process.
How to Talk to Your Partner About Couples Therapy
1. Use "I" Statements to Communicate Clearly
People shut down when they feel attacked. That’s why "I" statements are so powerful. They focus on your experience rather than blaming your partner.
A simple framework for this:
"I feel [emotion] when you [behavior]. What I need is [request]."
Example:
"I feel really disconnected when we keep having the same fights without resolution. What I need is for us to talk about seeing a couples counselor."
This keeps the focus on your feelings rather than turning it into a fight about what they are or aren’t doing.
2. Get Curious About Their Resistance
If your partner dismisses the idea of therapy, ask why. But here’s the trick: ask with curiosity, not defensiveness.
Try:
"Can you help me understand what worries you about couples therapy?"
"What’s your biggest hesitation about talking to a therapist?"
Then just listen. No interrupting, no arguing, just hear them out.
The goal is to create a space where they feel safe enough to open up.
3. Validate Their Concerns
Validation doesn’t mean agreeing, it means acknowledging their feelings as real. And feeling heard is often the first step toward change.
For example:
"I hear that money feels tight right now. That makes sense, it’s a real concern."
"I get that you don’t want to be blamed in therapy. That would feel really uncomfortable."
Once they feel heard, they may be more open to the idea of therapy, not as a punishment, but as a tool to support both of you.
Still No Luck? Try These Next Steps.
4. Ask Thought-Provoking Questions
Sometimes, resistance comes from not fully realizing how bad things have gotten. You can gently help your partner reflect by asking:
"Do you feel happy in our relationship?"
"Where do you see us in five years if nothing changes?"
"Do you ever feel hopeless about our connection?"
Many people resist therapy until they realize they don’t like where things are headed.
5. Share Your Relationship Vision
Instead of focusing on problems, paint a picture of what’s possible.
"I miss when we used to laugh together. Therapy could help us reconnect."
"I want us to feel like a team again, not two people just getting through the day."
6. If They Still Refuse, Go to Therapy Alone
This might feel unfair, but here’s the truth: your healing still matters.
When one person in a relationship starts doing the work, it often shifts the entire dynamic. Your partner may start wondering: What’s changing? Why do they seem different?
A couples therapist in Ellicott City, MD can help you navigate this situation, whether or not your partner is ready to join. If your relationship feels distant or stuck in conflict, there are still ways to rebuild trust and connection. Check out this guide on relationship repair to learn practical steps you can take, even if your partner is hesitant about therapy.
Change Has to Start Somewhere
You don’t have to convince your partner overnight. But you can plant the seed, open the conversation, and take steps toward change.
Looking for a couples counselor in Ellicott City, MD?
I’m here and ready to support you. Whether you come in alone or with your partner, you don’t have to navigate this alone.
As a couple’s counselor in Ellicott City, MD I’m passionate about helping people create solid, meaningful relationships with their partner.
I provide sex therapy, therapy for out of control sexual behaviors, affair recovery counseling and specialized counseling for men.
I offer sessions to residents of Maryland and Pennsylvania in my Ellicott City, MD office and online via my telehealth platform,