Therapy has been a somewhat mysterious experience to the public and this is for several reasons. Therapy is built on confidentiality where what is shared is kept private. Additionally, how therapy is delivered varies therapist to therapist. Personality, training, and models of care can color dramatically the way therapy looks. Therapy has had a growing interest and acceptance, especially with younger folk, and has been captured lately in a few shows. I enjoy watching the tv therapist either mimic or really deliver therapy, depending on the show. I either learn a great tecnique or shake my head and say out loud, “That is not what happens in my office!” Sex therapy has been even more mysterious. Will we have to touch each other during session? Will the therapist critique me for not having sex? Will the therapist side with my spouse? The largely unknown ways that sex therapists help people seem to contribute to people not getting the help they need. Many people live with sexual problems that began in the beginning of their relationship but went unaddressed due to the fear that they aren’t “normal” and in feeling uncomfortable in talking about their sexuality.
I thought sharing more about sex therapy, might be helpful to anyone sitting on the sidelines and not picking up the phone for help. Let’s talk a bit about what sex therapy looks like.
Making the Call(s)
The first step in getting connected to treatment involves reaching out to a sex therapist or multiple sex therapists should you want to shop a bit. The goal is to find someone you’d like to work with. Talking about the loaded topic of sex with a perfect stranger can feel awkward, but sex therapists understand this and expect it. It’s important to know that you almost can’t offend us! Identifying what you are looking for in a therapist prior to speaking can help narrow down your search. Do you want to work with a male or female? Someone who works virtually or in person? Someone older or younger - or maybe someone your own age? Is it important to work with someone with the same religious beliefs, racial background, or sexual orientation as you? I suggest talking with them about how they will work with your sexual challenges. Remember to trust your gut - the person you feel comfortable speaking with is probably an excellent choice. Once you find a therapist you like, you can schedule a time to meet.
The Bio-Psycho-Social-Sexual Assessment
The 2nd step often involves the therapist conducting an assessment where they ask you many questions relating to your problem but also asks about things that relate to your history growing up, dating, friendships, work, health, mental health, sexual health, and family of origin.I personally believe a therapist who jumps into therapy without asking clients about all of these parts of themselves often doesn’t discover where they are going to have to go in therapy with the client. This assessment allows the therapist to establish a road map for treatment- identifying problematic events or blocks to growth that the client has been impacted by. The findings from this clarify possible goals and objectives to be addressed in therapy. Both you and the therapist will jointly figure out where the focus needs to be. Treatment plan goals are usually actionable, measurable, and are kept smaller to build success. Attaining these mini goals help to instill hope that you can create the sexual relationship you dream of.
What to Expect in Session
Ironically, sexual problems aren’t uncommon. People tend to worry that they aren’t ‘normal’ due to thinking about sex in performative ways where they worry that they aren’t delivering the expected sexual experience their partner wants. Not sitting with what they actually enjoy, want to experience and how they want to feel during sex, is often the very place that keeps them lost. Treatment usually focuses on identifying your own feelings about sex, naming your own sexual needs, and what you want to experience sexually. It also includes identifying and reframing your negative sexual beliefs. If you have experienced past sexual trauma that too will need to be processed. Often, it includes working on your relationship with your partner and being able to share deeper feelings with them that have nothing to do with sex! Sex therapy is talk therapy only. No sexual touch is exchanged
Basic Principles that Guide Sessions
The boundaries of sex are created by shared consent with your partner. As mentioned prior, sometimes it’s the health of the emotional relationship that is the problem. The focus is established by the client usually. In short, sex therapy is about creating connection and pleasure. As there is no right way or wrong way to have sex, we never “yuk anyone’s yums”. As a sex therapist I hope to help you create emotional and sexual connection with yourself and your partner.
Common topics Discussed in Therapy
Worries you hold that block you from relaxing and enjoying sex
Figuring out how you want to feel during sex
Identifying what turns you on erotically
Working through body image issues
Exploring, communicating and negotiating your sexual interests with your partner.
Working through relationship problems that block you from feeling close to your partner or yourself
How Long Do I Have to Be in Therapy?
You are in charge of your own length of stay in therapy as well as identifying what topics you need to be focused on. Your therapist will try to guide you but you are the boss of what you want to accomplish. I recommend that you engage in an open conversation with your therapist discussing your felt sense of progress, identifying conversations that haven’t been had yet in therapy and asking for any change of focus you feel is appropriate should the therapy not be going deeply enough.
AASECT Certified Sex Therapists
To ensure that you get the best sex therapy, shopping for an AASECT certified sex therapist is your best bet! We have had mandatory educational requirements that educate us about the physiology and psychology of sex, learn about the variety of people’s erotic templates, learn interventions to help people work through any negative sexual beliefs, and help people identify how they might deepen emotional and physical closeness. We also are required to work with a master therapist for 50 hours getting feedback on how to discern people’s sexual challenges and address them with interventions that are research based.
I hope this article was helpful in helping you get a sense of what sex therapy can offer you. If you are in the states of Maryland or Pennsylvania and are looking for someone to walk with you on this journey, please give me a call and let’s get you scheduled.