Top 10 Myths about Therapy, Psychotherapy, Counseling and Coaching in Doylestown

You might be mulling over whether or not to sign up for counseling. You may find yourself exhausted from trying to solve your problems by thinking endlessly about how to fix them and at the same time wanting relief from the stress. Being able to ask for help is the first step. But if you can’t pick up the phone due to misconceptions about therapy then you remain stuck.   I’ve found in my own life feeling stuck about anything almost always links to a lack of good information about the topic. Without real facts, it can be difficult to know what to do. I know personally, without accurate information I tend to lean into my general fund of knowledge, which let’s face it, is usually based on Facebook posts, reading magazine articles, conversations with friends, or at times bits of conversation I’ve gotten in a group. This isn’t a great way to make decisions, is it?

I thought it might be helpful to address those top 10 myths that people hold as real, related to the therapeutic experience.   Once you address this misinformation with real facts, your myths can be debunked and you can determine a productive course of action to start addressing your needs so as to feel better quicker.

1. “Psychotherapy will involve blaming me and in the end, that will make me feel worse.”

Good therapy does not involve blame.  Therapy instead holds space for the notion that everyone is doing the best that they can in a given moment. Blame leads to guilt, (I did a bad thing) and worse yet, shame, (I am a bad person).  Leaving someone feeling guilty or shameful does not promote healing or growth and in fact, most people experiencing this in a session would quit therapy pretty quickly if that’s all that happened within the therapy experience because it would make them feel worse.  

What usually frees you up to feel better is to identify the boundaries in your relationship so that you know what actions are yours to take responsibility for and what actions are the other person’s to own.  Often times what creates sadness or anxiety is, in fact, is over-functioning in a relationship where you take too much responsibility and don’t lean into partnering with another. At other times we might not have taken enough responsibility in a situation too. (This happens. We are humans. Humans screw up. You are forgiven. )Should this be identified in therapy, the counselor is meant to gently lead you to this and have you determine whether or not you could have done better.  At the end of the day as humans, we aren’t perfect (and neither is your therapist). Psychotherapy is about owning what you can, fixing what’s yours to fix, asking the other person to partner with you in the repair and moving ahead.

2. “Going to therapy means you are either weak, weird, or lazy -I can take care of myself.”

Many families have a culture where it’s shameful to feel down, to be worried or even to be different from the other members of the clan.  You might have been told to “just look at all the blessings God has given you”, or “crying is for babies”, or “no one is going to like you if you continue to _______”, or “pick yourself up and just do it”.  The person offering these solutions to your problems does not realize that in fact, you have already tried doing what they suggested but can’t, due to lack of motivation, sadness, and hopelessness.

Making space for these normal human emotions is what therapy is about. If you aren’t allowed to speak of them with those who are close to you then you don’t have a choice but to bottle them up inside.  Usually, bottling things up creates an explosion. Yelling, melting down, crying uncontrollably, throwing things - these things happen when things have gone unheard. Going to psychotherapy when you can’t get control of emotion is the perfect place to sort out what is happening with you and to find your emotional balance again. Identifying the triggers (or the historical event which made this moment so loaded), and feeling like someone is there with you as you work through your problems takes the intensity and the isolation away.  I would further debunk this myth by saying it is a courageous and resourceful person who utilizes therapy because they aren’t avoiding their problems or pretending they don’t exist. They are instead learning to strengthen themselves such that they don’t have to lean on others to make it through the day.

3. “By talking about your problems in counseling you will make things worse.”

I had a friend once who believed you could speak bad things into existence and so she would not verbalize any possible negative thing or feeling fearing she would bring it into her world. This person struggled in relationships and was unable to get her needs met largely because she couldn’t speak about them.  I promise you that this does not occur in counseling. Most often with having a fresh set of ears and eyes on the problem, you learn something new about what has created it and what continues to keep it in play. Addressing your pre-set labels about what the problem is, why you have the problem, identifying when it began and why it continues to challenge you, often opens up further what the problem actually means to you. Most people end up realizing that they had been tolerating a circumstance for far too long, believing that they weren’t entitled to something better.  I am here today to let you know friend, that you indeed do deserve something better and that the only way to make that happen is to speak that into existence to a person who wants to help you achieve more. A therapist’s validation of your experience can reinstate missing entitlement when that’s what’s needed.

4. “Therapy is just a nice stranger who listens to me complain.” 

Friends listen with a bias related to what they believe you should do about your problem. This is because they care about you, yes, but also because they get care from you. Your wellbeing affects their wellbeing. If you are so upset that you can’t hang out and do fun things with them, or listen to their problems, then usually the friendship starts to become work for them and soon they make themselves unavailable and start to invest with other friends where they can get their needs met. Although we need our friends’ support and this is a real benefit of friendship, leaning on them too heavily changes the relationship.  A therapist will have no benefit related to your mood or the decisions you make for your own life. You can show up as needy, messy and emotional as you feel. On the flip side, you can also arrive at the session feeling confident, excited and determined. Your therapist won’t replace you with a better client. You get to be exactly as you are.

I should add that therapy offers more than just listening. A good therapist tracks your patterns of interaction helping you notice what behaviors you engage in to get your needs met.  Getting your needs met by others in funky ways can create relationship problems at home, work, school and with friends. Once the patterns are tracked, figuring out how they began is often a clue to increasing self-understanding. Later, identifying the change in behavior that is needed leaves you feeling like you are making traction on your problems.  I don’t know too many friends who are willing to create a change process like therapy for a friend without feeling like they are being used because the reality is that you would need to meet with them weekly, for an hour for a period of time and it would need to be about JUST you in order for you to get your problems sorted out. 

5. “The Counselor will tell me exactly how to fix my relationship problem and I just need to follow directions.”

Maybe the greatest myth about coaching or therapy is the notion that therapy is a passive process where the client just shows up and takes notes on the changes they are meant to create. The therapist/coach is the expert, the client is the learner and that it’s a top-down experience.  This is completely wrong! What is true is that it is a relationship of equals that involves active participation by both the therapist/coach and the client. In fact, it’s interactive and the therapist/coach is not supposed to tell you what to do or how to fix things because therapy/coaching holds true that everyone has the answers to their own problems inside of themselves. This seems counterintuitive, I get it,  because if I have my own answers why am I coming to someone for help? The reason is that we get blocked from those answers due to not seeing the problem accurately, not feeling entitled to support or care from loved ones, or being unclear as to what it is that we really need. Often times if a problem is seen more clearly the client then knows how to fix it.

6. “By attending therapy I am going to have to take medications.”

Most therapists hope that by attending therapy it will prevent you from having to take medications when possible. In the beginning, the therapist is usually assessing how well the client is doing related to their “daily living activities” AKA getting up in the morning, brushing their teeth, showering, eating well, getting to work on time, making time for pleasure, exercising, having rewarding relationships, etc. If a client is struggling in too many areas the therapist knows that the client will suffer needlessly and that the therapy may not work as quickly as the client needs the change to happen. In these cases, the therapist may recommend getting a psychiatric evaluation with a physician to determine if do you need medication. At the end of the day, it is always the client’s right to decide if they are willing or not to take medication.

7. “I’m not the problem, it’s my _____________ (partner, friend, parent). So they should be going to therapy, not me.”

When we are sleepwalking through the patterns of our relationships it often can feel like we are the victims of other people’s selfishness, yet what I also know is that it takes two to tango. This means that the space between two people - the relationship, is built by both. In other words, it takes two to create a great relationship and two to create a bad one.  What you do in response to someone else’s bad behavior does count. Whether it’s flipping out, avoiding the conflict by people-pleasing, ignoring the problem or icing your partner out- doesn’t provide the clear boundary needed, where you let the other person know that something is hurting you and that it can’t continue. You have co-created the relationship that you find yourself within.

8. “I tried therapy once and I didn’t like the therapist. I don’t think it works.”

What research shows is that it is the fit between the therapist and the client that is responsible for the client being able to change. This means it’s super important to make sure you are working with someone who you feel understands you, reads your intentions clearly, and who makes you feel seen, heard and felt. If you feel a chronic disconnect with your therapist you are within your right to end treatment and keep shopping for a new counselor.  There are all kinds of therapists available. People, of course, vary widely due to having different personalities and characters, as do therapists. Add to that, the kind of training that they have received and you can see that the possibilities are endless. You can look to friendships that have enabled more intimate sharing to get some notion of the kind of therapist you might work well with. Do you prefer to spend time with calm or energetic conversationalists? More talkative or quieter? Those that take things more seriously or those that find the humor in things and can laugh with you? A therapist who tracks your thoughts, your feelings or body sensations?  Male, female, or non- binary? Younger or older? You get the point, don’t get distracted by a poor fit. End treatment with the bad fit therapist and find yourself a great fit.

 

9. “I need to find a therapist who went to the best school in order to get the best therapy.”

A good therapist must be a sensitive person. This enables them to read the nuances correctly in what you are saying as well as in what you’re not saying. This is not “book smarts” but instead what I would call emotional intelligence. A person can know theory inside and out but if they can’t read the energy in a room to deliver the correct intervention to you when you are in distress, because they can’t read you accurately, then the book smarts go out the window.

A therapist trained in a model of therapy post-grad after their Masters or Doctorate degree is one of the best ways to find someone who knows their stuff. Being able to read your problem correctly, then knowing the correct time to ask you about your interest in change, and then delivering just the right intervention to motivate you to change is tricky business. Ideally, you can find a counselor who has post-grad training in the area that you struggle in, for example, trauma therapy or couples relationship therapy, etc.  I myself have 8 years of post-grad training in family, couples and sex therapies. It involved both classwork, videotaping of sessions for observation, and supervision by a supervisor who was a master therapist. The post-grad training changed my ability to accurately see a case and to know how to time my interventions. It further taught me how to deliver an effective intervention that would create an emotionally corrective experience for the client. Invaluable!

10. “I had a pretty good childhood and don’t need to dredge up the past- besides my problems relate to now.”

I believe that all individual problems that we face as adults are shaped by our childhood.  I believe that the coping skills we lean into during hard times are also shaped by our childhood experience. It is within the family that we learn that we are worthy of support, that we are competent and good people, how to calm ourselves down in the face of adversity, how to connect meaningfully with others, how to problem solve and use our internal resources...I could go on.  The point being is that our struggle is linked to our childhood tool belt being a tool or two short, related to what we did or didn’t get growing up. Although our caretakers did the best that they could do, sometimes it wasn’t enough. The good news is that by working with a therapist that you connect and trust in, you can reinstall those missing tools so that you leave the experience with more confidence and competence in relating to yourself as well as others.

I hope I have debunked all 10 of these myths about therapy, psychotherapy, counseling, and coaching in Doylestown.  If you have one that I didn’t cover and want some feedback on, please give me a call and let’s talk about it. I know from my own personal use of therapy as well as from delivering it to my clients, that therapy does work!  I’d be glad to help you see it differently too. If you are looking for a therapist who has a specialty in couples work, sex therapy, affair recovery, out of control sexual behavior, or are a guy looking for therapy for men I’d love to talk to see if I am a good fit for your work. 

What to Expect from Counseling, Therapy, Coaching, and Psychiatry in Doylestown

You’ve decided that enough is enough and you know you need help but signing up for some kind of therapeutic service makes you nervous. You’ve never been the type to ask for help but lately the idea of getting unstuck is just a little bit exciting! What if this problem you have been dealing with for what seems like forever didn’t exist? What if you could lead your life taking the next step forward without all the worry and sadness? What if you no longer felt alone? Just the thought of this is giving you a flicker of hope. If you just knew a little bit more about what to expect from a helping professional it might allow you to enter the experience feeling more centered and confident that this is the right thing to do. I totally get this. Signing up for a mystery service doesn’t allow you to relax into the experience fully. I thought I would write about what to expect from the variety of services you could choose from hoping it would allow you to make your best decision.

Counseling, Therapy, Coaching or Psychiatry? Which one do I need?

Let’s look at your options and figure out what kind of help would be best. Since I am not sitting with you and hearing your problem, (Although I could. Just pick up the phone and call me right now and skip this whole blog.) it might be helpful to identify the differences between counseling, therapy, coaching, and psychiatry so you can enter the experience knowing what to expect and thus selecting the helping professional that fits your situation. 

Psychiatry:  A psychiatrist is a physician who specializes in treating mental health issues (mood and behavior problems) by prescribing medications. They are trained to differentiate between mental health symptoms and physical health symptoms which might present as mental health disorders.  Although some psychiatrists do offer psychotherapy (talk therapy) most spend their time with patients in tracking how the medications are working related to the symptoms the person is struggling with. Psychiatry is an art and a science and figuring out just which medication or combo of meds to prescribe is complex. Should you find a psychiatrist who offers therapy please be aware that they tend to be more expensive given their credentials. It can, however, offer one-stop shopping if you get both meds and therapy all in one appointment. 

Counseling: A counselor is a Masters’s level mental health clinician who usually identifies with the credentials of L.P.C. or Licensed Professional Counselor. Historically, counseling tended to be a short term model of care delivered to very specific problems, for example, drug and alcohol abuse or stress reduction and tended to be shorter in duration as it was specifically focused on an outcome of behavior like sobriety or calmness. More recently there is little difference between a person calling themselves a counselor or a therapist and the terms tend to be interchangeable.

Psychotherapy:  A psychotherapist/therapist is a Masters or Doctorate level mental health clinician who identify with the credentials of LPC, LCSW, (Licensed Clinical Social Worker), LMFT (Marriage and Family Therapist), Ph.D. (Doctor of Philosophy), or Psy.D. (Doctor of Psychology). Psychotherapy historically has been considered a longer-term model of care. This relates to the idea that therapy works because it’s a “healing relationship.” Developing a relationship with someone takes a bit of time - it can’t always be done immediately.  The therapist functions in a way that reparents the client in areas that they are underdeveloped in by allowing the client to be seen, heard and emotionally felt. The client through this process not only learns to trust themselves but also others. The therapist focuses the client to track their own patterns of behavior noticing the how’s and the why’s of what they do rather than on giving advice. This then allows the client to notice how they are contributing to their own problems. Therapy has a focus on how past pain, often from childhood, informs problems today usually relating to relationships with others.  Identifying one’s “attachment pattern” is often a rich part of the work you will engage in. The attachment pattern is the way you learned how to get your needs met as a child by your relationship with your caregivers. It’s usually the very same way you get your needs met today. 

Therapists now offer “telehealth” where therapy is delivered via a HIPAA compliant video platform which is super convenient. Therapists are bound by the laws of the state they live in related to working with people out of state. Working in PA only allows me to treat people in the state of PA.

Coaching: Coaches or life coaches are people who work with clients who want to reach a goal related to relationships, career or life transitions and are highly motivated for achievement. The coaching industry at this time has no requirements for licensure, education or training however many life coaches do get certified by coaching institutions. Coaching is an action-oriented service and you can expect your coach to take your personal goals and break them down into actionable steps. Because there is no licensure a coach can work with anyone living anywhere which differs from therapy. Services are frequently delivered by video platform or phone calls and usually involve homework after each session. Coaching sessions are usually more expensive than therapy sessions and are often sold in packages. Coaching is said to focus on the future and therapy in the past. This isn’t completely accurate as therapy deals with how the past controls today and additionally does involve future-focused goal setting.

As I am a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and AASECT Certified Sex Therapist who provides psychotherapy, I can’t share expert advice related to life coaching, but I can point you to an article called “10 Questions for Picking Your Perfect Life Coach” by Inc.Com.

I’ve gathered some important facts about therapy for you, which can set some realistic expectations for your experience in counseling.

Your therapist will try to meet with you weekly because weekly attendance creates progress.

When people reach out to me to begin therapy I tell them right off the bat that I require that they attend therapy weekly.  In my experience you either need therapy or you don’t. My thoughts on this are that let’s get you focused so you can complete your work and be happy and get back to life! Coming every other week is just postponing the work and dragging things out which usually creates the doldrums for not only the client but also for me!  What creates change in therapy is noticing and you can’t notice if you aren’t creating the time to slow down and take your life into your awareness. I find in my practice that the first month of treatment is really just identifying clearly what the problems are via the assessment. Most people enter therapy thinking they know what the problem is yet as they start to discuss it with more pointed questions from a therapist where the meaning of the problem gets identified things start to expand.  In my couples therapy work, clients can expect a more action-oriented focus starting on month two. Moving from complaining to addressing what you actually want is where things start getting exciting but we can’t get there until you identify what is blocking you.

Your therapist wants you to initiate discussions on the topic for the day.

When clients come into sessions clear with what they want to discuss in session it’s the right order.  It means that the session is going to hit the spot - that spot could be anger, sadness, abandonment, frustration or any other feeling. Most times it comes embedded in an event which occurred either in the past or recently.  Within the story, the client tells is the “trigger” or the historic event held in one’s subconscious which continues to create pain for the client. The sooner the triggers are identified and sorted out the more quickly they lose power over you. 

At times I start a session by swinging back to the last session’s topic to find out if my client noticed or processed more about the topic. I also will start by following up on a homework assignment given. Despite this all being relevant, I prefer when the client begins the session with an outcome they need.  It ensures that we are talking about the right stuff and this illuminates for me what the target related to the client’s stuck points is. One of the old adages for therapists is to “follow the affect” (emotion) in a session because that is where the gold is. 

Your therapist prefers you to let it all out rather than remain composed.

If there is one thing I know for sure it’s that therapy is for letting out your feelings no matter what they are. Many clients start with me trying to choke back tears and avoiding topics that trigger them or their partner.  It’s very common for a new couple to sit on my couch and when asked what they want to talk about they nervously look at their spouse and say, “Gee, I don’t really have anything, do you?” At that moment I know that they have organized around the avoidance of conflict and the first job is to get them to start sharing their pain with their partner. It can be like pulling teeth in trying to get someone to take the risk of being direct and telling their truth at the beginning because they are so used to talking themself out of their pain and disappointment. This is normal but your therapist is going to be organized around getting you to speak up and start the work.

Your therapist wants you to take responsibility for your own thoughts, feelings, and behavior.

The first part of therapy is assessment, the second part is identifying the patterns in the client’s story with the client and the third part is helping the client to take responsibility for their part in their problems.  Despite this seeming so simple it’s the hardest stage in therapy. What I know for sure is that the quickest and easiest way to make a happy connected life for yourself is to own your own problems and mistakes. Once you own it, it frees you to start fixing it. Most of us (myself included) will avoid owning our own ugly behavior and will go to any extent necessary to put the focus on the other person’s faults. This is the human condition but it doesn’t set us up for great relationships with others. 

In fact some of our behavior, we are completely unaware of and have no idea how we create pain for others. This largely is due to the fact that we have a limited ability to see everything, especially when we are triggered. When triggered it is all about you because the fight, flight, and freeze instincts are driving the bus.

 Couples’ work is challenging related to this part of therapy because every couple that comes in believes it’s their partner who’s the problem and they are usually waiting eagerly for me to agree with them and clear them of all wrongdoing. Despite this, if even one member of the couple can own their own “stuff” it miraculously motivates the other to also begin to own their own behavior too.  Some couples are organized so tightly around the avoidance of conflict that they will actually show up to the first therapy session stating that they have nothing to talk about. What I know in these moments is that in order to make progress some conflict is going to have to be stirred up. It should be noted that therapy at points can be very painful and uncomfortable because we are unearthing pain that has been buried and not talked about.

Your therapist wants you to tell them when what they are doing isn’t working.

Your therapy is just that - it’s YOUR therapy. I think of therapy much like a hotel reservation.  Space is held just for you and it’s your decision how you choose to utilize it. (Go back to point #7.)  That being said, the therapeutic experience is created by both yourself and the therapist. If the therapy isn’t addressing the problem, you need to share that with your counselor.  If the therapy leaves you feeling worse, that is clinically relevant information too. If nothing is changing, of course, nothing changes so this needs to be a transparent discussion between yourself and your therapist to sort out what is happening which is blocking your progress. 

Your therapist keeps your secrets secret.

Counselors guard your privacy very carefully.  We appreciate the honor it is to have your trust and recognize the sanctity of the therapy space.  It’s what therapy is built on - having a safe space to talk so as to create trust. Aside from all of that, we are bound by US law - HIPAA - The Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act.  This requires all therapists to protect your personal health care information by keeping it private. This means we can’t share or get information without your permission in writing. There are stiff fines for breaking confidentiality which just reinforces the very principles that therapy is built on and therapists value. 

The Consent to Treat are The Rules of the therapeutic Relationship.

Most therapists have a Consent to Treat document which you sign at the beginning of treatment which identifies all of their office policies.  These policies are truly the boundaries of the therapeutic relationship which identify what the therapist and client are meant to do to keep it a good relationship. The Consent to Treat is very similar to a business contract and let’s face it you are entering a contract with the therapist and this is their business. The therapist is in the tricky position of being both a caring confidant as well as a business owner. Because their fee is how they pay their bills it requires that they enforce no-show and late cancel fees which at times may feel punitive.  But if every client canceled a session when something better came up or after a hard day, the therapist would not be able to stay in business and you would be unable to get the skilled help that the therapist offers.

Your therapist does care about you.

Most of us therapists are in this work because we are natural helpers having grown up in families with problems where we were the helper. Our compassion for your problems is related to the suffering that we experienced in our own lives. We know how it feels to be overwhelmed and alone and most of us have engaged in therapy ourselves to course-correct our lives.  That being said therapists are human beings first and therapists second. We are not perfect and we haven’t arrived at an endpoint related to our growth, development, and triggers. So if we screw up please tell us kindly and compassionately knowing we aren’t perfect (and never will be) and let us own our mistakes with you. What we do know about the effectiveness of therapy is that it works when there is a connection between the therapist and the client - that is the secret sauce! 

I hope this list of what to expect from counseling, therapy, coaching, and psychiatry in Doylestown gives you a sense of what you can expect when engaging in a professional helping relationship. As I mentioned earlier, if you have any questions please give me a call and I can help you figure it out. If you are in the market for couples therapy, affair recovery, out of control sexual behavior therapy, therapy for men, or sex therapy I’d love to help. Simply click on the button below and I can get you scheduled for a call to talk about your goals for treatment.