Relationships Are Really About Repair

Hey there Folks!

It’s been a while since I’ve written anything. My move from PA to MD took some effort, time, and focus. (Actually, it might have been one of the hardest things I’ve ever done by myself.) The good thing is that when we do hard things we grow and sometimes even learn to trust ourselves a little bit more in that feeling of competence. It creates confidence and even security in knowing - “I’ve got this.” I think I am walking a little taller in having been successful in making this move happen. More trust in myself is amazing!

I often think that if we had a bit more trust in ourselves relationships would go easier too.

How often do we swallow our feelings, shut down our words, and wish things were different? The irony is that eventually we can’t choke our feelings down one more time and then all those feelings brewing turn into a bitter explosion all over our partner. In the end, we do more damage in holding back than if we just spoke up at the moment. I see this happen not only in my virtual therapy room but also within my own life. Speaking our truth often gets lost in confusion around what is happening at this moment? Am I being too sensitive about this issue? Am I being fair to my partner to bring this other thing up now? Does my partner actually care about my felt experience so am I setting myself up for disappointment? Or avoidance and fatigue in dealing with disagreement and in just wanting peace and giving our partner a pass.

All these missed conversations leave a gap in our partner knowing us.

Without knowing each other we also have a lack of intimacy - or the ability to tell our partner the truth all of the time. Truth-telling is what creates connection and intimacy because when we share our hurts/worries/frustrations and our partners respond to them we then feel the security that they love us and are choosing us despite our limitations.

It’s ironically about not being perfect and being loved anyway - on both sides.

Telling the truth and being responded to allows us to relax in the relationship and be fully ourselves. This is the sweet spot of a relationship - the place where it gets joyous, vibrant, and juicy! Therapy in general usually gets focused on effective communication as the route to intimacy in a relationship yet in the end what is certainly true is that no one is perfect!

Screwing up and make mistakes is the norm and despite this, you do need to be responsive if you want a relationship because being in a relationship means their experience holds just as much importance as yours does.

Hey, I screw up too! It’s the human condition. Because no one is perfect and because this is inevitable it seems to me that the highest priority should not be on avoiding a mistake in a relationship but instead be able to respond to the mistake by repairing a relationship. It’s funny, most people would agree repair is not only important but actually vital yet most people can’t do it on the spot and I know people who never do it. They just wait till they and their partner have forgotten the situation, sweep it under the rug, and change the topic. Not knowing what repair actually looks like has some folk thinking it means admitting guilt and then accepting the beatdown that occurs afterward. This beat down can come from ourselves or our partner. No matter who it’s coming from it’s totally optional in creating repair and I would even say unhelpful because it’s the root cause for avoiding the conversation the next time someone screws up.

There is a huge disconnect in how we see ourselves behaving intellectually and what we actually deliver to our relationships. Our lenses aren’t broad enough.

I think it’s safe to say that when repair doesn’t occur it’s because there is some felt loss in admitting we made a mistake. We may feel shame (I’m a bad person.) or guilt (I did a bad thing.). As a result, there is a total organization around the avoidance of feeling those feelings. Instead, we go into explanations - “I did this because…..” (defensiveness). “You are making such a big deal about this - get over it!”(dismissal).“That’s not true because last week I did this for you.”(scorekeeping) “This is your problem, not mine.” (blame), etc. It’s like being in court where a lawyer is offering evidence that recounts conversations, events, intentions, or worse, use blame from other conflicts to “prove” why their mistake wasn’t a mistake and in fact made perfect sense!

Being right somehow becomes more important than being connected.

People usually don’t organize around repair and instead organize around avoidance of their partner’s experience. It’s like taking in the other’s experience will diminish their sense of self. People fight tooth and nail to avoid being “wrong” because repair somehow equals loss. Perhaps the totally irony here is that the partner who hurt and defends most often walks away just as sad and lonely as the person who felt injured initially. I think it’s fair to say that there is no “winning” in a fight. We all know this intellectually but at the moment taking responsibility for having made a mistake FEELS like losing. I’m here to tell you that taking responsibility is winning! It’s winning because it actually allows you to connect more deeply with your partner by allowing your partner to be fully seen and heard and to feel like they are your priority. This creates a felt sense of ATTUNEMENT or being at one with the other. Without that, your relationship is built on transaction or scorekeeping. It creates separateness.

So what is repair?

Relationship repair first starts with knowing that both people will screw up. It includes knowing that everyone is human and thus limited by what we see and know. It also holds the trust and faith that their partner does care and gives them a chance to lean into it by trusting that their partner will correct the thing that created pain for them.

The idea of repair suggests a few things:

1. We are entitled to make a mistake but not ignore it.

2. There are two people’s feelings involved and both need to be discussed and accounted for. It’s not just about either of you.

3. Being able to stay present to your partner’s hurt in the situation requires that you don’t fix it to get rid of it but listen to it to better know them and understand them. If you can validate their experience and feelings you are offering the most healing in the situation.

4. When what they are saying isn’t what you remember happening you must become curious - how could this thing have happened when it didn’t reflect what actually happened in your mind? Asking your partner questions not to disprove your guilt is not what I mean. Asking them questions to understand it from their lens is the kind of attunement they need. Their perception is reality here.

5. Including an authentic apology where you own your behavior as the thing that hurt your partner even if it wasn’t your intention. It doesn’t look like, “I’m sorry your hurt.” (That’s not a genuine apology because you aren’t taking responsibility for your own behavior you are instead blaming the other person for being hurt. )

6. Discussing your experience within the misunderstanding is the second part. Being able to put perfect to the side by not getting defensive is a skill that is built by practice. Hear out your partner first and once they feel heard then you can discuss your felt experience and what you want from your partner in situations moving forward.

So, repair is the actual work of owning our mistakes with ourselves and our partner and then mending the hurt we created by listening, understanding, and validating our partner’s experience. It deepens our relationships because we more fully understand our partner’s inner world.

In the end, repair creates connection. (I care about your feelings as much as mine.) It trumps transaction, (I’ll do this for you if you do this for me.) because it allows your partner to know they are known, not perfect, but yet valued. Perhaps the best part of repair is that through the process we end up dropping our defenses, opening ourselves to our partner, and then grow our ability to not see ourselves as needing to be perfect and walk a little taller knowing just that.

Re-setting Our Relationship - Thanks to the Pandemic

The use of couples’ therapy seems to be down since COVID 19 arrived. This has been very surprising to me as I was predicting an upswing in couples needing support due to the sense that confinement would typically create cranky people. Helping to cement my prediction included the reports of China’s increase of couples filing for divorce after their strict shelter in place was lifted. I thought certainly there was going to be a mad rush to my office door! When I didn’t get an increase in cases I began to check with other couples’ therapists to see what was happening in their practices and they too reported a downward trend in people wanting couples’ therapy. As I sat with this phenomenon, trying to make sense out of it, I realized NONE of my current couples therapy clients were complaining about the confinement. Why was no one stressed out? Why were couples able to live cooperatively with all of the fear, stress, and confinement?

What? Huh? This did not compute!

Initially, I chalked up the contentment and calm vibe of my clients to the fact that we as a nation are in a state of shock. Certainly this must be a delayed reaction to the horrors around us? I waited for the other shoe to drop…  nothing. Then I told myself it must be the collective trauma that we are all undergoing and sooner or later people are going to wake-up and be miserable. Still, no negative reports by the couples I treat. Then I decided it must be the grief of things lost- like the freedom to do what we enjoy, the loss of work and its ability to give us purpose, and fear it would never be returned. Still no negative reports.  THIS is an interesting phenomenon I thought.

  I decided to to pay close attention.

I reviewed the facts in my head. Since the very beginning, my couples reported that they were “fine”, were hunkering down at home and cooking and were “making the best of it by spending more time together”. Some said, “I’ve always wanted to spend more time with ______but he was always working.”  Another client said, “It’s felt really good to be doing more with my wife and kids - I was never at home during the day to really be a part of family life and doing fun things with my kids.” Several couples reported playing games nightly, watching a show together, or doing arts and crafts with the kids’ midday, and sharing more meals together. Having no sports practices to attend for their kids and not having to travel for work suddenly created more pockets of time and allowed my client’s lives to slow down.  I kept waiting for this novel- new- normal to start becoming annoying or upsetting for my clients. In fact, I’m still waiting. Thus far it hasn’t. Week after week most of the couples I have been treating are reporting more harmony, more shared activity, more mindful enjoyment of the simple things like a good meal or game of Backgammon, more discussion, more acceptance and lo and behold – fewer fights with quicker resolution. Partners taking more accountability for their behavior is actually what seems to be the new norm.

The pandemic actually seems to have stabilized these relationships and removed most of the complaints they entered treatment with.  But why?

Thinking more critically about this I have realized that this experience is reported by mostly couples who have been in therapy with me for a while and thus probably have more awareness of their individual and collective issues. They do have the tools necessary to navigate their relationship, and of course there has been a baseline of change which they created together in therapy. That gave them a running start, BUT - their relationships have now been taken up a notch connection wise which can’t be attributed to their participation in therapy because this sure wasn’t there the last time I saw them face to face!

What I now believe is happening is that their connection has been strengthened due to a lack of interference from outside forces. These couples have hunkered down in protection from the virus but in effect have created protection for their relationship making it the priority it had never been before.

Ironically, people’s priorities shifted unintentionally in deference to protecting their health. What seemed so important to daily life was no longer vital due to the risk of illness or death should they catch COVID 19 by doing the things that could expose them to the disease - being around others and engaging in activities like staying late at work, going shopping, hitting the gym, being involved in community groups, and participating in their child’s sporting events were all activities that had THE priority when they were sleep walking through life - “doing the things”. COVID 19 has accidentally reprioritized relationship, family, health, and home. It’s been a re-set of sorts where they have had a forced reintroduction to life’s most precious commodity – their health - because to die means to lose your connection to others you love.  

This new mindfulness may have been a process imposed upon us but I believe it has given us a gift – the resetting of priorities.

  What I’ve learned from the couples I work with is that when there is the space to focus on your connection with your partner and share time with them undistracted, it seems that many relationship problems dissolve and relationships strengthen.

 What this means is that people are experiencing being able to actually COUNT ON their partner’s presence.  Please know that I am not saying that just by hanging out with your person all your problems will go away – there are still some things that require more in-depth conversations, negotiations, giving, tears, fighting, and deep listening.  There are some problems that will require the assistance of a therapist because a couple might not have had their tool bag packed in childhood.  But what I am saying friends, is that with fewer interferences and less distractions (the daily kind -like going to the gym, hanging out with friends, going shopping, hitting the bar, etc.) suddenly there is the time to not only pay attention to your partner but actually engage and RESPOND to them.  When that occurs with some regularity you might even value your connection with your partner more and then you are in the sweet spot of love.

Life is going to resume at some point, (and I hope soon!) where we end up going back to the work place, out with friends, shopping at the mall, and back to playing sports. These are beautiful things and I can’t wait until they resume, however; I think it would be a total waste of this experience to not take in this moment and see what the results of the earth’s re-set is giving to your current state of being. I hope that my clients don’t lose the learning from this horrible pandemic. I hope we all just don’t fall back into what was.

I think that all great relationships boil down to one quality - responsiveness. I wonder what would happen to my business if people started making their responsiveness to their partner a priority? (You might find me working at Home Depot… )Then, I think about the remaining distractions that continue to challenge us despite quarantine. Things like the cell phone, (the biggest challenge to connection with those we live with), Netflix, (preventing conversations all weekend long) and work (the one that is easily justifiable, can be validating and can trick us into feeling like we are doing the “right thing” by providing for our family).  What would happen to your intimate relationships if you sorted out how all the ways you aren’t responsive to your partner? What would happen if you examined the ways that you distract yourself to cope with stressors of life? What would happen if you sat with the way you use distractions to hide from your feelings?

The beauty of mindfulness is that if we notice what we do, we can change our dance steps.

Being mindful means that stuff is going to come up. When stuff comes up it means that conflict will arise. I’d like to clarify that being responsive doesn’t meant that you won’t disagree. Fighting is healthy and maybe even essential to establishing our differing needs as individuals. We are all different and often need to speak up for our differing needs, loudly sometimes, because often differences mean scary things to people and so they avoid them like the plague. Fighting allows us to clarify what is important so that both get their needs met. Having the needed conflictual conversations we tend to avoid, might actually allow us to drop the distractions we end up using to calm ourselves or gag ourselves and more freely create the changes we need to feel content and connected in our relationships.  This would create vitality and aliveness in our relationships.

 How do we get there?

The first step in change is to actually notice. I’d like you to take a moment to notice the state of your relationship today.   I want you to notice what feels good, bad, even ugly. Then I’d like to invite you to sit with a few questions I’ve created to allow you to assess what is actually happening in your relationship that is creating distraction and interference. Your ability to be present to your partner and them to you is what creates the energy in a great relationship. I hope you sit in a quiet space and ponder what’s true for you, to eventually share your thoughts with your partner. This will allow you both to deepen your understanding of each other’s deepest needs-the ones that we rarely give voice to.

1.     What benefits has this unprecedented opportunity to quarantine given you?

2.     Identify the distractions that usually keep you/your partner from being present to one another. 

3.     What if any changes do you notice about the way you feel connected to your partner since COVID19? 

4.     What actions have you taken which have invited your partner closer? 

5.     Which actions has your partner taken that have invited you closer? 

6.     What distractions moving forward need to be either removed or minimized to create a deeper and easier focus on your relationship? 

7.     What supports might you need to ensure that you and your partner can continue to be present to each other?

8.      What relationship practices have you added to your relationship maintenance that weren’t present before? 

9.     What does your relationship need most right now? (Does your relationship need more:  fun, closeness, conversation, space, intensity, physicality, people, energy?) 

10.  What are you willing to do today to create more of that?

11.   Do you need the assistance of a couples’ therapist who can be a guide and support to shoring up your relationship?

I hope this article helps you get better in touch with the state of your relationship and helps you create more mindfulness related to your connection.  If you believe that your connection with your partner needs a tune-up, it would be my honor to offer you a therapeutic experience to help you each attune to each other’s needs more effectively.  Please give me a call at (215) 272-1161 and let’s talk about how you are doing and what it is that you need. My specialties include sex therapy, couples therapy, therapy for men, and out of control sexual behavior treatment. Stay well friends!

First Aid for your Intimate Relationship During the Pandemic Crisis

Whew! It’s hard to believe that we have just ended phase 1 of this pandemic crisis we’re in. It’s interesting to note how all of us handled it. Getting our supplies together in order to shelter in place kept most of us frantic and focused on buying too many groceries. For some folk, it’s been all about using this down-time “wisely.” Many people bought supplies for home improvements and yard work and I’ve neighbors taking on projects in earnest. Despite this some people still are questioning if it’s real. Our sense of humor has been shaped by the chaos - things like toilet paper, hand sanitizer and Lysol wipes have been highly valued commodities and who would have guessed we would be lightening our mood by joking and making memes about these products? I think we have needed these things to laugh at and complain about to minimize the images in our minds of people on ventilators, and others being left to die due to the lack of medical equipment. I personally think that busyness has served many people soothed by the feeling of productivity. We have had to find ways to distance ourselves from just how scary this all has been. 

  It appears now that we are entering the 2nd phase of the pandemic crisis- sheltering in place while managing our anxiety, depression, and grief. All of us are now being touched personally by this virus- some more intensely than others. Most of us have lost freedom, the ability to engage in relationships and activities that bring us joy, and some of us are anxious from not being able to work and others are trying to figure out how to keep their businesses afloat. These are the lucky ones thus far. Others have the heartbreaking misfortune of losing loved ones and of course many people are becoming ill and fighting for their lives as you read this. The news keeps us glued to the screens. Checking the numbers in our state of the infected and seeing if our local hospitals yet have masks and protective gear is a daily practice. I think most of us know this is going to be a fight for life. Not just health-wise but also mental health-wise. Even the least demanding changes - having to stay home, trying to work and care for children at the same time is so frantic we still can’t feel the enormity of this. For singles, trying to figure out how to sustain yourselves alone means learning how to reach out to others with phone calls and video chats so you don’t lose your mind. These real-life situations require you to dig deep and find new ways to solve problems as well as motivate yourself. Learning how to slow down, take care of each other and appreciate what we have is going to be the new normal. Figuring out how to find joy in the midst of tragedy appears to be the next challenge.

Some may assume those who are coupled are the lucky ones. They are theoretically blessed with built-in help, financial means, and emotional support. This is not a fail-safe guarantee for the new normal, however. This resource will not come without a mindful practice of waking up to how we interact with those we love. These are complex times we live in and our relationships are now going to be equally complex. The task will involve learning how to live with each other with kindness, compassion, and attunement while in crisis, without becoming reactive to one another because there is so much anxiety and so little space. 

Meeting the crisis head-on with support and resources

I like to think that the silver lining in this awfully dark cloud we live under right now will mean more kindness, care taking, connection, and appreciation for what we do have. We may awaken to hold precious what is most important - our relationships with others. Most of all I want to believe that it’s going to improve our ability to LOVE and be LOVED. It’s my prayer that we all help each other at this time and that we truly understand and respect the meaning of the statement that we all are connected. This virus has connected us and we can learn from this and potentially learn how to live and love better.

As a couples therapist that specializes in sex, intimacy, and relationships I thought I could possibly help you by putting together some resources to support you relationally through this pandemic.  I am hoping that the ideas will enable you to negotiate your relationship with your significant other in more effective ways which creates more vulnerability, compassion, and openness. If approaching your other in this way it potentially can leave you feeling closer, more known and cherished.

Below please find ways to tune up your relationship given the current need to shelter in place with all of the inconveniences. Also please check out the links at the bottom of the page for additional resources on the topics I wrote about.

10 ways to offer first aid to your intimate relationship:

1.  Make time for attunement – “Attunement describes how reactive a person is to another’s emotional needs and moods. A person who is well attuned will respond with appropriate language and behaviors based on another person’s state. They are good at recognizing moods and emotions in another person and adapting their own response in accordance.” says AlleyDog.com. This is the number one relationship skill we all need for a connected relationship with those we interact with.  It involves noticing your partner’s mood, body language, what they are saying and more importantly perhaps, what they are not saying in order to stay in sync with them. When we aren’t in sync that is when relational problems crop up. To do this we need to focus on their body because as it’s said, “the body never lies.” Listen to their tone of voice - does it sound clipped? Sharp? Weak? Flat? These are cues that things aren’t ok with your loved one.  Look at their face. Do they struggle to smile? Are they paying attention or do they look as if in a daze? Are their brows furrowed? Does their face look blank?  You get the picture. These changes in body language are of course signs that your significant other is struggling. Attunement involves checking in with each other and finding out how the other is REALLY doing inside. Once a negative feeling is identified,  asking your partner if they are ok and asking if there's anything you can do for them can be calming and centering for them. It creates security to know that someone is not only paying attention to you but also has your back. Most importantly it signals that you aren’t alone.

   Learning to tolerate negative feelings from your other, during this time is so important to maintain your connection with them. At times people get triggered by their partner’s struggles to maintain a positive attitude. This happens because it is scary to see your partner start to crumble. It means that your source of security is in jeopardy. 

   Please know that by offering support to each other you will create some stability in these uncertain times. There is no “normal” way to respond to a crisis. We each have our own coping skills we have developed as we have grown up. Acceptance is what all people need as they move through each trial.  Because talking about your feelings reduces the intensity of the emotion, it’s key to surviving this crisis intact. Being interested in your partner’s individualized experience is the highest calling we have when in a relationship with others.

2. Make boundaries with each other as you notice yourself getting annoyed.  This means simply that you have the absolute right to express to your loved one when they are getting on your nerves or hurting your feelings. A simple boundary looks like, “ I feel ________ when you do __________, what I need from you is ___________.”  Ironically the hardest part of being in a relationship is sharing our feelings. We tend to feel exposed and vulnerable yet this is the quickest way for two people to really connect to one another.  Using an “I statement” (I get angry when you don’t invite me on a walk with you.) and then asking for your needs to be met (I’d really like you to invite me on your daily walk as it’s a time to connect.) enables clear communication related to what happened, how it affected you, and what you need

3.  Make sure that each of you is getting private time away from everyone -This could mean taking time to take a walk outside, going in the bedroom to read a book, listening to music with headphones on, or just relaxing in silence. Even going to sit in the car by yourself or sit on a chair in the yard is a resource. When you are barraged by others via conversations, (especially anxious ones) or meeting others’ needs, you lose your sense of self.  You need self now more than ever before! 

4.  Check your thoughts- Interpreting your partner’s off putting behavior with a negative spin about what it means about the way they feel about you is what humans do.  Unfortunately, that story that we tell ourself is actually just a way to avoid direct communication in disguise.  You avoid it for many reasons - worrying you are too intrusive, fearing you will hear something you don’t want to hear, or actually feeling so hurt with the story you’ve told yourself that you avoid opening up to them out of a desire to protect yourself.  Instead of this, try just asking them what their behavior meant. I’ve found that the truth is usually much more benign than the story you have made up in your head. Often times the person was mindlessly just stepping on your toes, not out of any deep seated negative feeling about you but more because they were oblivious.

   To rid yourself of negative thoughts try checking out inspirational TED Talks, podcasts, or reading books that help you see things differently and think about things other than the fear, worry and frustration of this crisis and helps you see your partner in a better light.

5. Learn to relax when everything is challenging -  Giving Mindfulness Meditation (now found on phone apps!) a crack would be something to consider.  There are many phone apps that offer wonderful meditations, meditative music, and adult sleep stories for those who can’t sleep. I can point you to and app called Inscape that even helps people with relationships and with sex! Meditation allows you to learn how to access self - which is not the anxious part of you that worries, snaps out at your partner or feels helpless, but instead the “wise mind” part of you, will give you a source of strength already built into your brain as a human being. 

6.  Get back into your body and out of your worried mind- Moving your body will allow you to discharge tension being held in your body and help create endorphins (The hormones that are in the brain that function as the body’s natural painkillers and mood elevators.) This can be done in a variety of ways - taking walks in nature whether it’s in your backyard, at a park, or around the neighborhood.  Feeling sunshine on your face, breathing in the fresh air, and seeing new sites does a world of good when you are cooped up. Grab your partner and the kids if you have them, and do a power walk together. If you prefer to exercise alone do that. Moving your body will improve your mood! It’s one of the best ways to fight depression and anxiety.

7.  Cook delicious and nutritious things together- Most of us have stocked up on groceries for the coming 2 weeks and now have the time to make meals a celebratory event. Working together to create something magnificent will not only give you an opportunity to be creative together and it will also give you both something to look forward to. By cooking something beautiful you will wake up your senses and find pleasure as you eat delicious things. It’s the little things that are now really important.

8. Make time for fun and date each other while stuck at home – Remember the earlier times when you made each other feel special?  Where your partner’s needs were so important that you organized around thoughtful gestures to please them? Part of those romantic days usually included going out and doing novel activities where all your attention was focused on THEM. Research shows that doing novel and exciting activities with your someone special creates more connections between a couple. Pull out some of the games in your closet and up the ante by playing for quarters.  Have a picnic on the floor. Play Master Chef and see who does it best. Ask each other questions and learn more about each other – you don’t know everything even if you have been together for 25 years!

9. Get creative, art is not just for kids – After the kids go to bed pull out some of their art supplies and have an adult creativity hour.  Playing with clay, watercolor paints or even glitter are activities most of us haven’t done in years. Being able to make something creative together allows you to relax and access part of your inner world which don’t need words to function.  Sitting quietly using your mind’s eye or laughing at each other’s attempts to make a modern abstract canvas can offer you a place to relax and unwind and get into self.  I just saw a company that is selling adult paint by number sets for art you actually wouldn’t mind hanging in your home. (The link is posted below.)

10. Have hotlovinmonkeysex – Make time to connect sexually with your partner. Go to bed a little earlier, take a shower, smell nice, maybe even light a candle.  No matter what goes on in the world you have each other. Create a sexual oasis where you can experience sexual pleasure and stress reduction. Try a new sexual position, order some awesome high-end lube,(see the link at the bottom for ideas on just the right lube for your sexual needs) role play, or experiment with touch.  Sex is adult play and it’s the glue that keeps relationships connected and vibrant. Get in touch with what’s most important – your connection with each other.

I hope this list of first aid interventions supports your relationship during this trying time.  Please know that I send this with love and care and hope that we will all get through this together by helping each other in all of the ways we each can offer. 

 If you find that you need more support than this please know it would be my honor to support you.  I am just a call away and offer telehealth (telephone or video sessions on a HIPAA compliant video platform) currently in the state of Pennsylvania.  I specialize in helping couples with relational and/or sexual issues, therapy for men, and out of control sexual behavior. You can find me at www.jancareytherapy.com

More ideas and resources to add to the topics mentioned above:

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/creating-attunement-in-re_b_1577987

https://www.talkspace.com/blog/guide-setting-healthy-boundaries-relationships/

https://www.bustle.com/p/9-signs-you-should-give-your-partner-space-how-to-effectively-do-it-5518740

https://www.ted.com/playlists/202/talks_that_just_might_save_you

https://www.mindful.org/take-a-mindful-hike/

https://www.self.com/story/move-your-body-while-stuck-at-home

www.delish.com › cooking › recipe-ideas › copycat-recipes

https://www.sixsistersstuff.com/32-stay-at-home-date-ideas-plus-links/

https://maxnovelty.com/

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/the-10-most-intimate-podcasts-about-love-and-sex_b_9310214

https://www.bustle.com/articles/83221-6-ways-to-make-sex-more-interesting-when-youre-in-a-longterm-relationship

https://www.gottman.com/blog/5-simple-ways-to-make-sex-more-romantic/

https://badvibesdotorg.files.wordpress.com/2015/12/lube-guide-every-body-edition.pd

For more resources on how to entertain the kids please check out my professional FaceBook page www.facebook.com/JanCareylcsw. I’ve listed gobs of free resources that you turn the kids on to for something novel that will keep their attention for 30 minutes. (That’s normal for a kid, too.)

Top 10 Myths about Therapy, Psychotherapy, Counseling and Coaching in Doylestown

You might be mulling over whether or not to sign up for counseling. You may find yourself exhausted from trying to solve your problems by thinking endlessly about how to fix them and at the same time wanting relief from the stress. Being able to ask for help is the first step. But if you can’t pick up the phone due to misconceptions about therapy then you remain stuck.   I’ve found in my own life feeling stuck about anything almost always links to a lack of good information about the topic. Without real facts, it can be difficult to know what to do. I know personally, without accurate information I tend to lean into my general fund of knowledge, which let’s face it, is usually based on Facebook posts, reading magazine articles, conversations with friends, or at times bits of conversation I’ve gotten in a group. This isn’t a great way to make decisions, is it?

I thought it might be helpful to address those top 10 myths that people hold as real, related to the therapeutic experience.   Once you address this misinformation with real facts, your myths can be debunked and you can determine a productive course of action to start addressing your needs so as to feel better quicker.

1. “Psychotherapy will involve blaming me and in the end, that will make me feel worse.”

Good therapy does not involve blame.  Therapy instead holds space for the notion that everyone is doing the best that they can in a given moment. Blame leads to guilt, (I did a bad thing) and worse yet, shame, (I am a bad person).  Leaving someone feeling guilty or shameful does not promote healing or growth and in fact, most people experiencing this in a session would quit therapy pretty quickly if that’s all that happened within the therapy experience because it would make them feel worse.  

What usually frees you up to feel better is to identify the boundaries in your relationship so that you know what actions are yours to take responsibility for and what actions are the other person’s to own.  Often times what creates sadness or anxiety is, in fact, is over-functioning in a relationship where you take too much responsibility and don’t lean into partnering with another. At other times we might not have taken enough responsibility in a situation too. (This happens. We are humans. Humans screw up. You are forgiven. )Should this be identified in therapy, the counselor is meant to gently lead you to this and have you determine whether or not you could have done better.  At the end of the day as humans, we aren’t perfect (and neither is your therapist). Psychotherapy is about owning what you can, fixing what’s yours to fix, asking the other person to partner with you in the repair and moving ahead.

2. “Going to therapy means you are either weak, weird, or lazy -I can take care of myself.”

Many families have a culture where it’s shameful to feel down, to be worried or even to be different from the other members of the clan.  You might have been told to “just look at all the blessings God has given you”, or “crying is for babies”, or “no one is going to like you if you continue to _______”, or “pick yourself up and just do it”.  The person offering these solutions to your problems does not realize that in fact, you have already tried doing what they suggested but can’t, due to lack of motivation, sadness, and hopelessness.

Making space for these normal human emotions is what therapy is about. If you aren’t allowed to speak of them with those who are close to you then you don’t have a choice but to bottle them up inside.  Usually, bottling things up creates an explosion. Yelling, melting down, crying uncontrollably, throwing things - these things happen when things have gone unheard. Going to psychotherapy when you can’t get control of emotion is the perfect place to sort out what is happening with you and to find your emotional balance again. Identifying the triggers (or the historical event which made this moment so loaded), and feeling like someone is there with you as you work through your problems takes the intensity and the isolation away.  I would further debunk this myth by saying it is a courageous and resourceful person who utilizes therapy because they aren’t avoiding their problems or pretending they don’t exist. They are instead learning to strengthen themselves such that they don’t have to lean on others to make it through the day.

3. “By talking about your problems in counseling you will make things worse.”

I had a friend once who believed you could speak bad things into existence and so she would not verbalize any possible negative thing or feeling fearing she would bring it into her world. This person struggled in relationships and was unable to get her needs met largely because she couldn’t speak about them.  I promise you that this does not occur in counseling. Most often with having a fresh set of ears and eyes on the problem, you learn something new about what has created it and what continues to keep it in play. Addressing your pre-set labels about what the problem is, why you have the problem, identifying when it began and why it continues to challenge you, often opens up further what the problem actually means to you. Most people end up realizing that they had been tolerating a circumstance for far too long, believing that they weren’t entitled to something better.  I am here today to let you know friend, that you indeed do deserve something better and that the only way to make that happen is to speak that into existence to a person who wants to help you achieve more. A therapist’s validation of your experience can reinstate missing entitlement when that’s what’s needed.

4. “Therapy is just a nice stranger who listens to me complain.” 

Friends listen with a bias related to what they believe you should do about your problem. This is because they care about you, yes, but also because they get care from you. Your wellbeing affects their wellbeing. If you are so upset that you can’t hang out and do fun things with them, or listen to their problems, then usually the friendship starts to become work for them and soon they make themselves unavailable and start to invest with other friends where they can get their needs met. Although we need our friends’ support and this is a real benefit of friendship, leaning on them too heavily changes the relationship.  A therapist will have no benefit related to your mood or the decisions you make for your own life. You can show up as needy, messy and emotional as you feel. On the flip side, you can also arrive at the session feeling confident, excited and determined. Your therapist won’t replace you with a better client. You get to be exactly as you are.

I should add that therapy offers more than just listening. A good therapist tracks your patterns of interaction helping you notice what behaviors you engage in to get your needs met.  Getting your needs met by others in funky ways can create relationship problems at home, work, school and with friends. Once the patterns are tracked, figuring out how they began is often a clue to increasing self-understanding. Later, identifying the change in behavior that is needed leaves you feeling like you are making traction on your problems.  I don’t know too many friends who are willing to create a change process like therapy for a friend without feeling like they are being used because the reality is that you would need to meet with them weekly, for an hour for a period of time and it would need to be about JUST you in order for you to get your problems sorted out. 

5. “The Counselor will tell me exactly how to fix my relationship problem and I just need to follow directions.”

Maybe the greatest myth about coaching or therapy is the notion that therapy is a passive process where the client just shows up and takes notes on the changes they are meant to create. The therapist/coach is the expert, the client is the learner and that it’s a top-down experience.  This is completely wrong! What is true is that it is a relationship of equals that involves active participation by both the therapist/coach and the client. In fact, it’s interactive and the therapist/coach is not supposed to tell you what to do or how to fix things because therapy/coaching holds true that everyone has the answers to their own problems inside of themselves. This seems counterintuitive, I get it,  because if I have my own answers why am I coming to someone for help? The reason is that we get blocked from those answers due to not seeing the problem accurately, not feeling entitled to support or care from loved ones, or being unclear as to what it is that we really need. Often times if a problem is seen more clearly the client then knows how to fix it.

6. “By attending therapy I am going to have to take medications.”

Most therapists hope that by attending therapy it will prevent you from having to take medications when possible. In the beginning, the therapist is usually assessing how well the client is doing related to their “daily living activities” AKA getting up in the morning, brushing their teeth, showering, eating well, getting to work on time, making time for pleasure, exercising, having rewarding relationships, etc. If a client is struggling in too many areas the therapist knows that the client will suffer needlessly and that the therapy may not work as quickly as the client needs the change to happen. In these cases, the therapist may recommend getting a psychiatric evaluation with a physician to determine if do you need medication. At the end of the day, it is always the client’s right to decide if they are willing or not to take medication.

7. “I’m not the problem, it’s my _____________ (partner, friend, parent). So they should be going to therapy, not me.”

When we are sleepwalking through the patterns of our relationships it often can feel like we are the victims of other people’s selfishness, yet what I also know is that it takes two to tango. This means that the space between two people - the relationship, is built by both. In other words, it takes two to create a great relationship and two to create a bad one.  What you do in response to someone else’s bad behavior does count. Whether it’s flipping out, avoiding the conflict by people-pleasing, ignoring the problem or icing your partner out- doesn’t provide the clear boundary needed, where you let the other person know that something is hurting you and that it can’t continue. You have co-created the relationship that you find yourself within.

8. “I tried therapy once and I didn’t like the therapist. I don’t think it works.”

What research shows is that it is the fit between the therapist and the client that is responsible for the client being able to change. This means it’s super important to make sure you are working with someone who you feel understands you, reads your intentions clearly, and who makes you feel seen, heard and felt. If you feel a chronic disconnect with your therapist you are within your right to end treatment and keep shopping for a new counselor.  There are all kinds of therapists available. People, of course, vary widely due to having different personalities and characters, as do therapists. Add to that, the kind of training that they have received and you can see that the possibilities are endless. You can look to friendships that have enabled more intimate sharing to get some notion of the kind of therapist you might work well with. Do you prefer to spend time with calm or energetic conversationalists? More talkative or quieter? Those that take things more seriously or those that find the humor in things and can laugh with you? A therapist who tracks your thoughts, your feelings or body sensations?  Male, female, or non- binary? Younger or older? You get the point, don’t get distracted by a poor fit. End treatment with the bad fit therapist and find yourself a great fit.

 

9. “I need to find a therapist who went to the best school in order to get the best therapy.”

A good therapist must be a sensitive person. This enables them to read the nuances correctly in what you are saying as well as in what you’re not saying. This is not “book smarts” but instead what I would call emotional intelligence. A person can know theory inside and out but if they can’t read the energy in a room to deliver the correct intervention to you when you are in distress, because they can’t read you accurately, then the book smarts go out the window.

A therapist trained in a model of therapy post-grad after their Masters or Doctorate degree is one of the best ways to find someone who knows their stuff. Being able to read your problem correctly, then knowing the correct time to ask you about your interest in change, and then delivering just the right intervention to motivate you to change is tricky business. Ideally, you can find a counselor who has post-grad training in the area that you struggle in, for example, trauma therapy or couples relationship therapy, etc.  I myself have 8 years of post-grad training in family, couples and sex therapies. It involved both classwork, videotaping of sessions for observation, and supervision by a supervisor who was a master therapist. The post-grad training changed my ability to accurately see a case and to know how to time my interventions. It further taught me how to deliver an effective intervention that would create an emotionally corrective experience for the client. Invaluable!

10. “I had a pretty good childhood and don’t need to dredge up the past- besides my problems relate to now.”

I believe that all individual problems that we face as adults are shaped by our childhood.  I believe that the coping skills we lean into during hard times are also shaped by our childhood experience. It is within the family that we learn that we are worthy of support, that we are competent and good people, how to calm ourselves down in the face of adversity, how to connect meaningfully with others, how to problem solve and use our internal resources...I could go on.  The point being is that our struggle is linked to our childhood tool belt being a tool or two short, related to what we did or didn’t get growing up. Although our caretakers did the best that they could do, sometimes it wasn’t enough. The good news is that by working with a therapist that you connect and trust in, you can reinstall those missing tools so that you leave the experience with more confidence and competence in relating to yourself as well as others.

I hope I have debunked all 10 of these myths about therapy, psychotherapy, counseling, and coaching in Doylestown.  If you have one that I didn’t cover and want some feedback on, please give me a call and let’s talk about it. I know from my own personal use of therapy as well as from delivering it to my clients, that therapy does work!  I’d be glad to help you see it differently too. If you are looking for a therapist who has a specialty in couples work, sex therapy, affair recovery, out of control sexual behavior, or are a guy looking for therapy for men I’d love to talk to see if I am a good fit for your work. 

What to Expect from Counseling, Therapy, Coaching, and Psychiatry in Doylestown

You’ve decided that enough is enough and you know you need help but signing up for some kind of therapeutic service makes you nervous. You’ve never been the type to ask for help but lately the idea of getting unstuck is just a little bit exciting! What if this problem you have been dealing with for what seems like forever didn’t exist? What if you could lead your life taking the next step forward without all the worry and sadness? What if you no longer felt alone? Just the thought of this is giving you a flicker of hope. If you just knew a little bit more about what to expect from a helping professional it might allow you to enter the experience feeling more centered and confident that this is the right thing to do. I totally get this. Signing up for a mystery service doesn’t allow you to relax into the experience fully. I thought I would write about what to expect from the variety of services you could choose from hoping it would allow you to make your best decision.

Counseling, Therapy, Coaching or Psychiatry? Which one do I need?

Let’s look at your options and figure out what kind of help would be best. Since I am not sitting with you and hearing your problem, (Although I could. Just pick up the phone and call me right now and skip this whole blog.) it might be helpful to identify the differences between counseling, therapy, coaching, and psychiatry so you can enter the experience knowing what to expect and thus selecting the helping professional that fits your situation. 

Psychiatry:  A psychiatrist is a physician who specializes in treating mental health issues (mood and behavior problems) by prescribing medications. They are trained to differentiate between mental health symptoms and physical health symptoms which might present as mental health disorders.  Although some psychiatrists do offer psychotherapy (talk therapy) most spend their time with patients in tracking how the medications are working related to the symptoms the person is struggling with. Psychiatry is an art and a science and figuring out just which medication or combo of meds to prescribe is complex. Should you find a psychiatrist who offers therapy please be aware that they tend to be more expensive given their credentials. It can, however, offer one-stop shopping if you get both meds and therapy all in one appointment. 

Counseling: A counselor is a Masters’s level mental health clinician who usually identifies with the credentials of L.P.C. or Licensed Professional Counselor. Historically, counseling tended to be a short term model of care delivered to very specific problems, for example, drug and alcohol abuse or stress reduction and tended to be shorter in duration as it was specifically focused on an outcome of behavior like sobriety or calmness. More recently there is little difference between a person calling themselves a counselor or a therapist and the terms tend to be interchangeable.

Psychotherapy:  A psychotherapist/therapist is a Masters or Doctorate level mental health clinician who identify with the credentials of LPC, LCSW, (Licensed Clinical Social Worker), LMFT (Marriage and Family Therapist), Ph.D. (Doctor of Philosophy), or Psy.D. (Doctor of Psychology). Psychotherapy historically has been considered a longer-term model of care. This relates to the idea that therapy works because it’s a “healing relationship.” Developing a relationship with someone takes a bit of time - it can’t always be done immediately.  The therapist functions in a way that reparents the client in areas that they are underdeveloped in by allowing the client to be seen, heard and emotionally felt. The client through this process not only learns to trust themselves but also others. The therapist focuses the client to track their own patterns of behavior noticing the how’s and the why’s of what they do rather than on giving advice. This then allows the client to notice how they are contributing to their own problems. Therapy has a focus on how past pain, often from childhood, informs problems today usually relating to relationships with others.  Identifying one’s “attachment pattern” is often a rich part of the work you will engage in. The attachment pattern is the way you learned how to get your needs met as a child by your relationship with your caregivers. It’s usually the very same way you get your needs met today. 

Therapists now offer “telehealth” where therapy is delivered via a HIPAA compliant video platform which is super convenient. Therapists are bound by the laws of the state they live in related to working with people out of state. Working in PA only allows me to treat people in the state of PA.

Coaching: Coaches or life coaches are people who work with clients who want to reach a goal related to relationships, career or life transitions and are highly motivated for achievement. The coaching industry at this time has no requirements for licensure, education or training however many life coaches do get certified by coaching institutions. Coaching is an action-oriented service and you can expect your coach to take your personal goals and break them down into actionable steps. Because there is no licensure a coach can work with anyone living anywhere which differs from therapy. Services are frequently delivered by video platform or phone calls and usually involve homework after each session. Coaching sessions are usually more expensive than therapy sessions and are often sold in packages. Coaching is said to focus on the future and therapy in the past. This isn’t completely accurate as therapy deals with how the past controls today and additionally does involve future-focused goal setting.

As I am a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and AASECT Certified Sex Therapist who provides psychotherapy, I can’t share expert advice related to life coaching, but I can point you to an article called “10 Questions for Picking Your Perfect Life Coach” by Inc.Com.

I’ve gathered some important facts about therapy for you, which can set some realistic expectations for your experience in counseling.

Your therapist will try to meet with you weekly because weekly attendance creates progress.

When people reach out to me to begin therapy I tell them right off the bat that I require that they attend therapy weekly.  In my experience you either need therapy or you don’t. My thoughts on this are that let’s get you focused so you can complete your work and be happy and get back to life! Coming every other week is just postponing the work and dragging things out which usually creates the doldrums for not only the client but also for me!  What creates change in therapy is noticing and you can’t notice if you aren’t creating the time to slow down and take your life into your awareness. I find in my practice that the first month of treatment is really just identifying clearly what the problems are via the assessment. Most people enter therapy thinking they know what the problem is yet as they start to discuss it with more pointed questions from a therapist where the meaning of the problem gets identified things start to expand.  In my couples therapy work, clients can expect a more action-oriented focus starting on month two. Moving from complaining to addressing what you actually want is where things start getting exciting but we can’t get there until you identify what is blocking you.

Your therapist wants you to initiate discussions on the topic for the day.

When clients come into sessions clear with what they want to discuss in session it’s the right order.  It means that the session is going to hit the spot - that spot could be anger, sadness, abandonment, frustration or any other feeling. Most times it comes embedded in an event which occurred either in the past or recently.  Within the story, the client tells is the “trigger” or the historic event held in one’s subconscious which continues to create pain for the client. The sooner the triggers are identified and sorted out the more quickly they lose power over you. 

At times I start a session by swinging back to the last session’s topic to find out if my client noticed or processed more about the topic. I also will start by following up on a homework assignment given. Despite this all being relevant, I prefer when the client begins the session with an outcome they need.  It ensures that we are talking about the right stuff and this illuminates for me what the target related to the client’s stuck points is. One of the old adages for therapists is to “follow the affect” (emotion) in a session because that is where the gold is. 

Your therapist prefers you to let it all out rather than remain composed.

If there is one thing I know for sure it’s that therapy is for letting out your feelings no matter what they are. Many clients start with me trying to choke back tears and avoiding topics that trigger them or their partner.  It’s very common for a new couple to sit on my couch and when asked what they want to talk about they nervously look at their spouse and say, “Gee, I don’t really have anything, do you?” At that moment I know that they have organized around the avoidance of conflict and the first job is to get them to start sharing their pain with their partner. It can be like pulling teeth in trying to get someone to take the risk of being direct and telling their truth at the beginning because they are so used to talking themself out of their pain and disappointment. This is normal but your therapist is going to be organized around getting you to speak up and start the work.

Your therapist wants you to take responsibility for your own thoughts, feelings, and behavior.

The first part of therapy is assessment, the second part is identifying the patterns in the client’s story with the client and the third part is helping the client to take responsibility for their part in their problems.  Despite this seeming so simple it’s the hardest stage in therapy. What I know for sure is that the quickest and easiest way to make a happy connected life for yourself is to own your own problems and mistakes. Once you own it, it frees you to start fixing it. Most of us (myself included) will avoid owning our own ugly behavior and will go to any extent necessary to put the focus on the other person’s faults. This is the human condition but it doesn’t set us up for great relationships with others. 

In fact some of our behavior, we are completely unaware of and have no idea how we create pain for others. This largely is due to the fact that we have a limited ability to see everything, especially when we are triggered. When triggered it is all about you because the fight, flight, and freeze instincts are driving the bus.

 Couples’ work is challenging related to this part of therapy because every couple that comes in believes it’s their partner who’s the problem and they are usually waiting eagerly for me to agree with them and clear them of all wrongdoing. Despite this, if even one member of the couple can own their own “stuff” it miraculously motivates the other to also begin to own their own behavior too.  Some couples are organized so tightly around the avoidance of conflict that they will actually show up to the first therapy session stating that they have nothing to talk about. What I know in these moments is that in order to make progress some conflict is going to have to be stirred up. It should be noted that therapy at points can be very painful and uncomfortable because we are unearthing pain that has been buried and not talked about.

Your therapist wants you to tell them when what they are doing isn’t working.

Your therapy is just that - it’s YOUR therapy. I think of therapy much like a hotel reservation.  Space is held just for you and it’s your decision how you choose to utilize it. (Go back to point #7.)  That being said, the therapeutic experience is created by both yourself and the therapist. If the therapy isn’t addressing the problem, you need to share that with your counselor.  If the therapy leaves you feeling worse, that is clinically relevant information too. If nothing is changing, of course, nothing changes so this needs to be a transparent discussion between yourself and your therapist to sort out what is happening which is blocking your progress. 

Your therapist keeps your secrets secret.

Counselors guard your privacy very carefully.  We appreciate the honor it is to have your trust and recognize the sanctity of the therapy space.  It’s what therapy is built on - having a safe space to talk so as to create trust. Aside from all of that, we are bound by US law - HIPAA - The Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act.  This requires all therapists to protect your personal health care information by keeping it private. This means we can’t share or get information without your permission in writing. There are stiff fines for breaking confidentiality which just reinforces the very principles that therapy is built on and therapists value. 

The Consent to Treat are The Rules of the therapeutic Relationship.

Most therapists have a Consent to Treat document which you sign at the beginning of treatment which identifies all of their office policies.  These policies are truly the boundaries of the therapeutic relationship which identify what the therapist and client are meant to do to keep it a good relationship. The Consent to Treat is very similar to a business contract and let’s face it you are entering a contract with the therapist and this is their business. The therapist is in the tricky position of being both a caring confidant as well as a business owner. Because their fee is how they pay their bills it requires that they enforce no-show and late cancel fees which at times may feel punitive.  But if every client canceled a session when something better came up or after a hard day, the therapist would not be able to stay in business and you would be unable to get the skilled help that the therapist offers.

Your therapist does care about you.

Most of us therapists are in this work because we are natural helpers having grown up in families with problems where we were the helper. Our compassion for your problems is related to the suffering that we experienced in our own lives. We know how it feels to be overwhelmed and alone and most of us have engaged in therapy ourselves to course-correct our lives.  That being said therapists are human beings first and therapists second. We are not perfect and we haven’t arrived at an endpoint related to our growth, development, and triggers. So if we screw up please tell us kindly and compassionately knowing we aren’t perfect (and never will be) and let us own our mistakes with you. What we do know about the effectiveness of therapy is that it works when there is a connection between the therapist and the client - that is the secret sauce! 

I hope this list of what to expect from counseling, therapy, coaching, and psychiatry in Doylestown gives you a sense of what you can expect when engaging in a professional helping relationship. As I mentioned earlier, if you have any questions please give me a call and I can help you figure it out. If you are in the market for couples therapy, affair recovery, out of control sexual behavior therapy, therapy for men, or sex therapy I’d love to help. Simply click on the button below and I can get you scheduled for a call to talk about your goals for treatment.